42 | Emotional Labor and Extended Family
42 | Emotional Labor and Extended Family
As we approach the holiday season, a time traditionally filled with joy but often laden with unspoken expectations, it's important to dissect the intricate web of relationships. From the milestones and life transitions we must keep track of to the intricate dance of appreciation and acknowledgment, how much we perform the emotional labor of kin work plays a role in our well-being.
Listen in as I share personal insights, revealing the choices we make in navigating the delicate balance of maintaining bonds, unraveling the layers of emotional labor, and gaining a deeper understanding of our choices in pursuing healthy relationships.
Let's explore the mental load of navigating relationships around the holiday season, and get curious about what it means to create meaningful connections.
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Intro: Welcome to A Pleasant Solution, Embracing an Organized Life. I'm your host, certified life coach, professional organizer and home life expert, Amelia Pleasant Kennedy and I help folks permanently eliminate clutter in their homes and lives. On this podcast we’ll go beyond the basics of home organization to talk about why a clutter-free mindset is essential to an aligned and sustainable lifestyle. If you're someone with a to-do list, if you're managing a household and if you're caring for others, this podcast is for you. Let's dive in.
Amelia: Welcome to Episode 42: Emotional Labor and Extended Family.
Family. Just check in with yourself for a moment. What’s your most immediate, natural response when you hear that word? Hmmm. Our relationships with others are always evolving and the term may be fixed or fluid for you. Family can be defined by blood or genetic ties, by emotional ties, by caregiving ties, or by choice. Each of us defines who’s inside our household, our immediate family circle, and we define who is one or two steps further removed. These folks are our extended family.
My household is a family of five. My immediate family is quite small: I have an older brother and sister-in-law, and both of my parents and my husband’s parents are still living. I also have a niece which is quite fun. I won’t bore you with naming the other relatives and whether they’re immediate or extended family, but I will share that I recognize how fortunate I am to have positive, supportive ties with all the folks in my family. I know this isn’t often the case for many, and on today’s episode we’ll dive into the emotional labor and mental load that it takes to keep track of and maintain these relationships.
If you’re listening at the time of release, we’re entering the holiday season – or “giving season” as I like to call it – in the US. Several prominent Jewish holidays have passed, there’s Halloween, Thanksgiving in the US, and lots of other religious and seasonal holidays through the first of the year ahead. Each of these moments asks something of us: to reflect, to gather, to celebrate, to decorate, to give our time, money, or attention. They help us mark the passing of time, AND they bring us together with purpose, bolstering the ties of friendship and family. And of course, during these heightened times of expected connection, relationships can fray or be tested too.
There are several names to describe the topic of today’s episode. Emotional labor is the broadest term. Emotional labor has several components, yet for today’s purpose it’s the invisible and mental work of managing the feelings of others – knowing the “right” things to say, give, or do – and the effort required to support and nurture relationships with others. Another term is the “labor of loving.” It’s also called “kin work,” that’s K-I-N work. As humans, we’re wired to seek and desire the companionship of others, and the labor of loving and maintaining these bonds serves our deeper need to be seen, valued, and included.
Yet, the component I’ll be highlighting on today’s episode is the labor, or work, involved. Historically, women have been raised, socialized, and expected to be the ones to maintain these bonds. It’s only in the last handful of decades, however, that the time and energy required to maintain these bonds has shifted from being invisible to visible. The more we talk about it, the more we highlight the layers and types of work, the more we can all value its critical nature within our homes, families, and communities.
My desire for you in this episode is to see yourself reflected, to take away an understanding that what you may be doing by default IS work, and to investigate how much you’d like to do going forwards. Each day that you wake up, you have the opportunity to continue your path or try a new approach. If kin work is an area where you feel stress, increased anxiety, or adverse effects on your mental and emotional health, I encourage you to be aware of that and take the signs seriously. Your relationships play a significant role in your wellbeing, and you are deserving of healthy ones.
Alright, so one of my gifts, as was recently pointed out to me, is the gift of nurturing, maintaining, and sustaining relationships. I’ve developed an attention to detail, and in turn, I often notice, remember, and acknowledge what’s going on in other folks’ lives. It’s one reason I’m meant to be a coach. I’m a great listener, but beyond that, I don’t hesitate to reach out to folks and let them know I’m thinking of them or that a particular detail about their life caught my eye. I also ask people and encourage others to talk about what’s happening for them. This comes easily to me, which is why I describe it as a gift.
It’s also a skill. I want you to pause for a moment to notice if it’s a skill for you, a struggle for you, or somewhere in between. Now, reflect for a moment, to what you saw growing up or were taught by your family or community. Was the skill of maintaining relationships with extended family valued in your home, or was it a second thought? If you’re someone with an ADHD brain or other brain-based condition, the emotional labor of maintaining ties with others may feel like an even greater weight or challenge for you. There’s a reason for that. Kin work depends on a high level of executive functioning within the brain, and we’re not all built the same way. If you weren’t taught these skills, if they weren’t valued, or if your brain doesn’t lean towards noticing the details, that would impact how the labor of loving shows up for you.
So, what do I mean when I say the “work” of relationships? Let’s break it down and NOT take it for granted. One way that the work of maintaining relationships with extended family or friends shows up is in the keeping track of, noticing, remembering, acknowledging, and appreciating the milestones + life transitions of others’ lives. Sure, Facebook reminds us of when it’s someone’s birthday. But beyond that, it takes mental energy to do this. There’s listening to others. There’s filtering out the necessary details from the unnecessary details. There’s the notation of these details in your long-term memory or on a calendar or journal. Then there’s the work of recognizing that “today’s the day,” that it’s someone’s Bat Mitzvah, graduation, anniversary, day of child or parent loss, quinceañera, or book launch.
This is all done before the appreciation or acknowledgement is even shown. Each one of these steps uses a core element of your executive function: planning, memory, inhibition, self-regulation, and more. If these core elements are underdeveloped for you, you may encounter more internal resistance or challenges. The fact that each of us relies on these core elements in our brains is why these steps can be classified as mental and emotional labor.
The second way maintaining family ties is considered labor involves the steps you take to show appreciation or acknowledgement of others. For the holiday season, this can be more condensed and amplified. One powerful decision I made when the kids were young was to not travel home to see my parents and kin during the holiday season. Instead, I’d plan a summer road trip to visit. The weather was better, it didn’t involve packing or transporting gifts, the logistics didn’t involve airports, or getting to a specific event on time with happy, well behaved, well fed young kids. I’d identified the pressure of performing this work as too great. I decided that the trade off – potential disappointment or dissatisfaction from my extended family – was okay. They were entitled to their feelings, and I’d be able to release the expectation that I’d exhaust myself in order to celebrate.
If you’re the primary decision maker for holidays, celebrations, or any other type of gatherings, I invite you to reflect and be honest with yourself about this role. Some folks love it, some folks do it from a sense of obligation, some folks enjoy certain components of planning and executing events and not other components. Remember, you’re in charge of your daily lived experience, and what you want and how you feel about performing the emotional labor of kin work matters too.
For example, there’s initiating the conversation about an event, there’s monitoring the communications, there’s seeking input, and there’s remembering everyone’s preferences and aversions with regards to foods, gifts, language, and etiquette. There’s following up and making sure everyone’s responded. Then there’s the dreaded questions of “How can I help?” or “What can I bring?” It’s easy to interpret these as well intended questions, yet it puts the mental load back on you to decide and delegate.
We all desire for gathering to be light, fun, easy, and seamless. Yet, let’s be transparent and admit that for many, it’s work. Keeping track of all these details, and the moods of others takes effort. This effort CAN be enjoyable. Don’t get me wrong. I know plenty of folks who take pleasure in this work.
I do want to explicitly state a somewhat radical idea, though. The level at which you perform this work does not make you a “better” mama, wife, sister, daughter, or human. Those who do less kin work are not “worse” or a “hot mess.” The extent to which you perform emotional labor of maintaining relationships is a choice. Sure, it comes easily to some. Some folks have a positive preference towards performing it. However, this doesn’t equate to being a “good” partner, mother, or daughter. Honestly, I don’t enjoy planning events. Because I’m practiced at being detail-oriented, people assume I enjoy hosting or helping with events. I don’t. I love a long, dedicated conversation. I love sending a quick note. I opt out of doing anything beyond attending and supporting events because that work is beyond my preference.
The last element of kin work I want to touch upon today is caregiving support and special circumstances. Again, because we are loving, supportive creatures who desire connection, know that this work is necessary and valuable. We need it, AND it is always an individual choice. Early on in my marriage I sat in on an intimate conversation in my husband's family around life transition choices, and a member of his family loudly stated, “Why is SHE here?” I’ll never forget that moment of thinking I was welcome when there clearly was someone who thought that I wasn’t. It’s a fact of life that you’re always in both an explicit and nuanced relationship with your family members.
Just as we aim to care for our youth, there’s the work of caring for our disabled and our elders. You may be in the sandwich generation like me. This involves monitoring and supporting not only their health and finances but also monitoring their socio-emotional health. Loneliness has been identified as an epidemic in the United States, and spending time and staying connected requires time, energy, and attention. The same is true when you or those you know experience divorce, loss, or other forms of severed relationship ties. There are moments, like the holiday season or other public holidays where sensitivity and kindness are needed. This takes emotional awareness and intelligence too.
So, again, check in with yourself. How much emotional labor are you performing when it comes to extended family and friendships? Are there particular elements of it you find challenging? How does it feel for you to do this work? No matter your answers, what I want you to take away is to give yourself credit for every single effort you make. Noticing, remembering, acknowledging… These are skills. They don’t come easily to all of us. If you have a friend who’s trailed off and you haven’t spoken to in a while, before you take offense or assume that the relationship is on the rocks, consider the effort it takes to maintain our bonds. If you have a family member who decided not to attend a gathering or not invite you this time around, I want to offer that there are often unseen layers at play. If you’re thinking of switching up your traditions or lightening your load, give yourself permission to do so. You’re more organized than you think, and the other folks in your life will adapt to your changes. We’re all doing the best that we can. Talk to y’all soon.
Outro: Thanks so much for tuning into this week's episode. If you liked this episode and know of just one other person who'd get value from it too, I invite you to share it with them. I'd be more than grateful. I'd love to stay connected with you too. Make sure to follow this podcast to connect with me on Instagram @apleasantsolution and join my community at apleasantsolution.com. Talk to y'all soon and remember, you’re more organized than you think.
