35 | When Frazzled Becomes the Norm

35 | When Frazzled Becomes the Norm

Frazzled is another descriptor for the mental and emotional load. For me, frazzled feels like a dense brain cloud. When I’m frazzled I can’t even seem to make the simplest decisions. My mind is cluttered, and I’m not 100% aware of it.

In today’s episode I’ll outline how when feeling frazzled becomes the norm it affects your body, well-being, and relationships. I’ll also share my process to recognize then shift away from feeling this way. I offer a series of self-reflection questions to help you identify the mental clutter that’s weighing on you.. We often forget that each of us has a choice to continue in our current patterns or to do things differently. Frazzled does not have to be the norm!

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Episode 34: The Power of DONE

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• EPISODE 35 TRANSCRIPT

  Intro: Welcome to A Pleasant Solution, Embracing an Organized Life. I'm your host, certified life coach, professional organizer and home life expert, Amelia Pleasant Kennedy, and I help folks permanently eliminate clutter in their homes and lives. On this podcast we'll go beyond the basics of home organization to talk about why a clutter-free mindset is essential to an aligned and sustainable lifestyle. If you're someone with a to-do list, if you're managing a household, and if you're caring for others, this podcast is for you. Let's dive in.

  Amelia: Welcome to Episode 35, “When Frazzled Becomes the Norm.”

  In early 2020, when I was transitioning from working in-home with clients into virtual organizing and coaching, one of my first clients described herself as frazzled. The word has stuck with me ever since. It has texture. You can feel it – frazzled. For her, frazzled described life at home with 3 very young kids. She desired to homeschool them. Her husband worked long hours, and she was the primary parent, responsible for all hands-on care and home maintenance. She was juggling the physical and emotional load of the household, like so many of us. Frazzled describes feeling always “on” yet running on fumes. There never seems to be enough time to replenish oneself before someone else needs something. I’m glad she advocated for herself by seeking support with me. I could both identify with what she was experiencing, and I was able to teach her lifelong skills to empower her.

  For me, frazzled feels like a dense brain cloud. When I’m frazzled, I can’t seem to make the simplest decisions. I can’t hold onto an idea for more than a few seconds before it escapes me. My mind is cluttered, and I’m not 100% aware of it at first. My recovery time has shortened dramatically in these last few years, and when I notice myself not being able to think clearly, I pause to evaluate then clear the mental clutter. It’s a practice, and on today’s episode, I’ll first outline how when the feeling of frazzled becomes the norm, it affects your body, your well-being, and your relationships. It feels like you’re moving through thick sludge and getting tasks done or tackling an organizing project is far from the top of your mind. Daily survival is way more important. After I outline the costs of feeling constantly frazzled, I’ll encourage you to be brutally honest with yourself through a few self-reflection questions. Suffering and martyrdom aren’t required in midlife. We often forget that each of us has a choice to continue in our current patterns or to think, feel, or do things differently. Every morning you wake up, the choice is presented again.

  Alright. Frazzled is another descriptor for the mental + emotional load. Recognize how much you’re busy calculating and planning each day. You’re anticipating the needs of others. You’re taking the emotional temperature of your family members before you speak. You’re noticing what’s running low around the house and that the piles of items are getting bigger. You’re determining what stops need to be made after work on the way home, only to realize that you left something off the list. Frazzled is the feeling that results from the delicate balancing act between what’s of immediate need and what’s upcoming later this week or month. These could be appointments, celebrations, replies, or relationships that you’ve deemed “neglected.” I know you understand.

  It’s not obvious to others that you’re performing this invisible work. I see you, though. I know what it feels like when your efforts go unnoticed and unacknowledged. It doesn’t feel great. Some of you shrug it off and keep going. You may chalk it up to the traditional work of running a household, although I’m guessing not, if you’re listening to this podcast. Clients often tell me they themselves feel invisible and that others think the work they do to keep the household running happens by magic.

  The problem occurs when you normalize the internal pressure to keep it all together, to keep things running. It’s a way of coping. Yet, normalizing your efforts, living with your resentment, and holding back your truth from others has long-lasting effects on your mental and emotional health. It can also impact your marriage, your partnership, and your relationship to your kids, parents, and extended family.

  So, I’d love for you to pause for a moment and identify the physical symptoms you may be experiencing from internally overworking. As I mentioned for me, it feels like brain fog. My working memory seems at capacity, and I hear myself saying that I can’t wait until bedtime. My executive functioning capabilities – my ability to plan, organize, or focus – slow. Your body may also react with specific physiological symptoms such as shallow breathing, strained digestion, or a faster heart rate. Your sleep is most likely disrupted; I know mine is. These stress responses are meant to be temporary, not a prolonged state of being. Each day your body is meant to have a period of active recovery allowing cortisol (or stress) levels return to their baseline.

  However, when frazzled describes your norm, it’s like your nervous system is always operating on full alert. Society labels it as busyness and overwhelm. Again, unfortunately these words have become commonplace. It’s challenging to show up for others, including your job, when your working memory is partially occupied by a running to-do list. Your mind is split between the present conversations and tasks and the impending work later that day or week. It’s difficult to be fully engaged in any one thing. You may even subconsciously dread heading home and back into the role of default house manager.

  So now consider how feeling frazzled affects your closest relationships. For me, I become short-tempered. I snap at my kids. I literally buzz around the house from one thing to the next. It’s like I’m spinning in circles. I see what is left to be done rather than acknowledging all that has gone well with the day. (Don’t forget to check out Episode 34 on “The Power of Done” if this is you.) I also start conversations with a sour tone: “Why hasn’t XYZ happened yet?” It’s an outward manifestation of my internal cluttered mind.

  This feels awful, and it leads to disconnection rather than connection with others. It’s the opposite of what you truly desire - more free time and enjoyable moments with our friends and family. Operating from feeling frazzled can also result in people-pleasing. In efforts to keep others happy and satisfied, you may find yourself catering to their emotional state so that all continues to move forward without friction. Yet the friction you’re aiming to avoid ends up inside of you.

  I know that you’re listening because you want solutions. My intention with sharing what frazzled looks like to me was truly to help you understand that you’re not alone. I’ve embraced an organized life, I run multiple organized households, and I still occasionally get frazzled. I don’t expect it to go away ever fully, because that’s the reality of life. However, I’ll share a few tools I use to pause and notice what’s happening. Changing your behavior happens by interrupting yourself one frazzled moment at a time. Each time you witness things being and feeling off track you have a choice: continue down the path of spinning, people-pleasing, and overworking, or to say, “enough is enough.” The more frequently you choose to check in with your heart and personal well-being, the more control you’ll regain over the moment.

  You’ve heard me say it before. Awareness is a game changer. Noticing your own thoughts, tendencies, and habits when you’re feeling frazzled is everything. Stop, breathe in, and acknowledge that the constant state of stress is harming your health. The adverse effects to your health will shorten your lifespan. Your family needs you to be physically and mentally well. They love you. They want you to be around. They don’t want you to be a grouchy grouch. They’d rather have 10 minutes to truly connect with you and would be willing to handle disappointment over their favorite snack being out of stock in the pantry. Notice if your frazzled times of day mirror those in your family. The late afternoon / early evening transition time is hard for us all.

  Next, decide that it’s not normal or healthy to carry around low-lying stress. You encourage your friends to do less, so now shine the light on yourself. Create the space for self-compassion, even if you’re not yet at the point where you can change your behavior. Begin to see that those of us who’ve made changes to slow down, do less, and shift our behaviors aren’t special. I’ve done the hard work that I’m outlining for you here. You’re more organized than you think, and feeling frazzled isn’t sustainable. Recommit to this decision each morning that you wake up and each evening when you turn out the light. Frazzled is NOT the norm. I am deciding to live life differently.

  Curiosity is part of the decision-making process. Ask yourself a few of the five following questions and listen to your automatic answer. After the automatic answer comes up, dig a little deeper by asking if that first response is the truth.

  Question one: Why am I feeling this way? It’s easy to blame others, yet remember, it’s how we’re thinking and perceiving a situation that leads to feeling frazzled.

  Question two: What am I saying yes to doing that’s really a no in my heart?

  Question three: What’s the best way for me to offload what’s in my head?

  (Think journaling, exercise, note-taking, voice memos, delegating, passing along full ownership of a task, etc.) You don’t have to do all the items on your list.

  Question four: What is it about these commitments or tasks that makes them a priority?

  Question five: How do they fulfill or align with my personal, professional, or family values?

  The emotional labor you perform has value, and it has both a negative and a positive impact in your life. Just like those around you, you have a limited amount of time and energy in your day. Aiming to carry the entire weight of the household or your community will eventually cost your health and relationships. Know that I’m here to provide accountability, validation, and support when you’re ready for it. Frazzled doesn’t have to be the norm, and the moment you commit to a different perspective, you, your family, and friends will thank you for it. Talk to y’all soon.

  Outro: Hey y'all, my monthly second Friday's workshop series is here. Join me on the second Friday of every month in 2023 for a practical no-frills come as you are hour of teaching and coaching. I'll show you exactly how I handle one area of home organization then the floor will be open for questions and coaching. We'll troubleshoot what's feeling challenging for you and get you unstuck on the spot. Find out more and register at www.apleasantsolution.com/workshops or via Instagram (@apleasantsolution). Can't wait to meet you.