18 | Understanding Emotions and Clutter
18 | Understanding Emotions and Clutter
The external clutter in your life starts within your internal mindset. Today, I show how the intersection of emotions and decisions form the foundational elements of a clutter-free life.
Most of the media you encounter spotlights systems, routines, and processes as the solution, yet I’ve seen something different. When you learn the skill of emotional awareness and emotional resilience, clutter doesn’t stand a chance. Systems, routines, and processes become much easier to implement and maintain once you understand the impact of emotions.
Every thought or sentence that runs through your mind on any given day produces emotion in your body. Unfortunately, most folks develop a dislike for stronger feelings because they’re either socialized or taught that it’s not okay to show emotions to others unless the situation is deemed appropriate. This is one reason we hold onto things longer than needed, overwork, and avoid hard conversations.
Identifying and understanding your emotions will be positive fuel for every area of your life. Building emotional resilience through sitting with and processing your feelings is the most direct path to a clutter-free life. You’ll begin to address the mental clutter and the overwork. This will make you free to make decisions and manage physical clutter, bringing you one step closer to living an organized life.
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Intro: Welcome to A Pleasant Solution, Embracing an Organized Life. I'm your host, certified life coach, professional organizer, and home life expert, Amelia Pleasant Kennedy, and I help folks permanently eliminate clutter in their homes and lives. On this podcast, we'll go beyond the basics of home organization to talk about why a clutter-free mindset is essential to an aligned and sustainable lifestyle. If you're someone with a to-do list, if you're managing a household, and if you're caring for others, this podcast is for you. Let's dive in.
Amelia: Welcome to Episode 18, “Understanding Emotions and Clutter.” Hey y’all! I’m excited to share today’s topic because it’s the second of the three cornerstones of a clutter-free life. Be forewarned, you’ll probably find me preaching a bit today, because identifying and understanding your emotions plays a crucial role in a clutter-free life. I think it’s actually the most under-discussed component of client work within the professional organizing industry. Pro organizers may address it privately within client’s homes; however, I believe it’s time that we discuss it publicly. For those of you who have a sense that the external clutter in your life starts with your internal mindset and emotional experience, this episode will be a great start.
Last week I introduced decision-making as the first cornerstone to a clutter-free life. I shared about how delaying a decision keeps clutter in your life, and how building the skill of powerful decisions is an essential solution. I highly recommend you go back and check it out when you get a chance. I say this because as I expand on today’s topic, you’ll begin to see the intersection of emotions and decision-making. Together, they form the foundational elements of a clutter-free life. Most of the media you encounter spotlights systems, routines, and processes as the solution. Yet, I’ve seen something different time and time again with my clients. When you learn the skill of emotional awareness then emotional resilience, clutter doesn’t stand a chance. Systems, routines, and processes become much easier to implement and maintain once you understand the impact of emotions. Next week, I’ll highlight the third and final cornerstone.
So, on today’s episode, I’ll share why identifying, understanding, and feeling your feelings matters when it comes from everything to the objects you own, the schedule you keep, the way you approach the division of chores in your home, spending / budgeting, how you prioritize yourself, and more. I won’t address all those areas here today, but as always, this concept is universally applicable to any area of your life that is cluttered. I’ll use moving as an explicit example here in a bit.
First off, let me say most of us weren’t taught emotional management. You probably weren’t taught where feelings come from, how to process them, and how they impact your day-to-day life. I certainly wasn’t. I was taught the outdated, yet widespread view that people could “cause” other people’s feelings. I was taught the main handful of emotions – you know happy, sad, afraid, etc. - and that in most contexts it wasn’t safe to feel them. This way leads many of us to detach from our feelings, spend most of our time in our heads, and stuff most emotion down.
Becoming a certified life coach in 2020 through The Life Coach School radically shifted my understanding of emotional health and wellness. My training centered around The Model which is a coaching tool developed by Brooke Castillo. The Model is a framework for showing exactly how emotions are at the center of everything you do or don’t do daily. It’s not a tool of judgment. It's a tool for organizing your current way of thinking and feeling relative to the results you’re currently seeing in your life. And it’s a perfect complement to “clutter.” I use The Model with my clients, along with a variety of other organizing and productivity tools, to get to the root cause of your current life choices. It’s life changing work because it creates a safe space for radical growth to flourish from.
So, let’s first talk about how to identify your emotions. Every single thought, or sentence, that runs through your mind on any given day produces an emotion in your body. Thoughts happen in your brain. They are not facts, they’re opinions. Often, your thoughts are automatic rather than intentional until you teach yourself to think on purpose. They form as you take in the neutral facts of the world around you.
Feelings, or emotions, are vibrations in your body. They’re messages. First, your brain thinks a thought, then that thought produces a vibration within. Fear feels one way in your body. Excitement another. Regrets feels another. Each of experiences feelings differently. These vibrations might show up as a flutter in your stomach, a heaviness in your legs, a tightness in your throat, or the sense that your body is lighter, almost floating.
Your body feels and reacts. Your brain thinks and reacts. Most folks develop a dislike for the stronger emotions because they’re either socialized (or taught) that it’s not okay to show emotions to others unless the situation is deemed appropriate. It’s okay to cry at a funeral. It’s not okay to cry at school. It’s never okay to show anger publicly; it’s much better to stew at home. Historically, emotions were used as a weapon against women (and indirectly against men). Women were considered too emotional, hysteric, or showed emotion inappropriately. Men, on the other hand, were expected not to show emotion, and this social standard continues in many communities today. Yet, having “control” over your emotions doesn’t keep you from having them. They still exist, and they’re being held inside of you by lots of effort. Identifying them is the first step to better understanding yourself and validating your lived experiences. And since the objects in your home are physical representations of your lived experience, emotions and clutter are interwoven.
For example, recall the last time you got an object you really, really wanted. I bought myself a ring two years ago when my family decided to embark on our second round of long-distance parenting and marriage to support my son’s soccer journey. Part of that transition process involved decluttering and staging our home for sale. As you can imagine, that process was in my wheelhouse. I worked diligently on my own for 6 weeks, partnered with the realtor and with the trusted business partners in my network, to ultimately sell our home with a profit in 24 hours. We let go of 60% of our belongings. We moved into an apartment in downtown Detroit and secured a furnished condo in Sarasota. I was proud.
Yes, it was work. Yes, the process took time and energy. Yet, because it was aligned with our vision for our family, my thoughts about the experience created a feeling of pride within my body. The ring I purchased to celebrate the accomplishment encapsulates that feeling for me. When I look at the ring, I remember what I accomplished, and I feel pride as a vibration in my body. I can clearly identify that feeling because of my thoughts. When you think of your item and why you wanted it, notice the sparks of feeling that happen within your body as you recall it. You’re having thoughts about that item, and those thoughts are creating warm feelings.
Again, feelings and emotions are messages within your body resulting from your thoughts. In the last example, you tapped into a “positive” emotion. (I use quotes here because the standard thinking is that emotions are either positive or negative, however, they’re all just messages. You wouldn’t know that an emotion was “positive” unless you had a relative reference point with the emotions I’ll discuss now.) Now, let’s switch to identifying a different emotion. Think of an item that you own that you may be struggling to let go of. It could be a family heirloom, your wedding dress, a childhood memento, or an object representing someone who’s no longer living.
Notice the story you have around the item. The story is interwoven with the object. I just shared the story I’ve interwoven into the ring I bought. The same types of stories are interwoven into items that produce more tender emotions within us. The story you’re recalling… that story is a set of thoughts. Those thoughts are fueling an emotion within your body. If you’re actively in this exercise with me right now, see if you can identify, or name, one or more emotions that you may be feeling. It could be nostalgia. It could be deep sorrow. It could be fondness. Try your best to picture the object, hear the story in your mind, then identify the feeling in your body. Deep breath. Well done.
If you chose not to participate in the exercise, I invite you to get curious as to why not. If you’re busy doing something else while listening to this episode, I understand. If you purposely found yourself avoiding tapping into your emotions, notice if that’s the case. As always, you’re seeking awareness of what’s happening inside of you. Avoiding emotions is common. It’s data for you to better understand yourself and where you are in your life right now. You may need more psychological safety in order to begin to feel, and that’s okay.
Making decisions about - what you own, the schedule you keep, who does what within the home - and feeling your feelings are two of the cornerstones of a clutter-free life. The objects you’re holding onto aren’t just items you’ve delayed deciding about. They’re items that have emotion and story attached. In order to make an intentional, aligned decision about the future of that item, you must first feel your feelings. In order to limit your daily activities and make more time for yourself, you must feel your feelings. In order to invite your kids and partner to share in the mental + physical load of running your household, you must feel your feelings. You’re avoiding the hard conversations and the hard decisions because the thoughts you’re thinking about it are creating uncomfortable vibrations (or feelings) in your body. On the surface, it’s that simple. In practice, I know feeling your feelings to build emotional resilience takes conscious effort. Having a supportive guide helps.
Now let’s move into understanding your emotions and the role they play in your daily life. They’re absolutely central and having deeply explored this work in my life and in my clients’ lives for the last few years, I really believe getting connected with your emotional experience is one of THE most fundamental skills every human being deserves to be taught. When you and I work together, I explicitly teach you how to use the self-coaching Model that I mentioned earlier. I also provide a safe space for you to practice feeling. I’ll describe The Model briefly here, and if you’re familiar with cognitive behavioral therapy or the “think, feel, do” coaching tool, this will sound somewhat familiar.
The Model shows how everything in the world falls into one of five categories: a circumstance, a thought, a feeling, an action, or a result. A circumstance is neutral. It’s something everyone in the world would agree on – the who, where, what, when – of an event. Words that other people say to you are neutral. You filter those words, and essentially everything you encounter through your own world view, upbringing, and socialization. The objects in your home are neutral. The activities currently scheduled on your calendar are neutral. Who’s currently assigned tasks within your home is neutral. Moving your belongings from one home to another is neutral. It’s your thoughts, or opinions, about these circumstances that produce your feelings.
Let’s have some fun for a minute to illustrate how your home, in particular, is a neutral circumstance. Alright. Let’s say that Oprah invited you to her house for book club. First off, I hope you’d say yes, and make every possible effort to attend. Oprah’s house and the items in it are neutral circumstances – neutral to me, to you, and to Oprah. We know her home is a neutral fact because everyone pulling up in the driveway for book club would be thinking different things at that moment. The things that everyone would agree on are circumstances - her address, the color of the exterior, the square footage, etc. When looking at it, however, you might take in the façade of her home, the landscaping, and entryway, and think, “Wow! This is gorgeous and peaceful. If I lived in a house like this, I’d feel fulfilled. I’m so lucky to be here.” These are your thoughts, your opinion. Her friends Gayle and Tyler might think, “I wish she was having book club at her other house. It’s so much swankier and more convenient.” These are their thoughts. Oprah herself might be looking around thinking, “Ugh. This house needs quite a few repairs. I gotta make sure I let the maintenance team know. Houses are so much work.” (You know no matter how successful folks are, the default thinking is going to point out the flaws.) Our thoughts about a circumstance (Oprah’s physical house) create our emotional experience.
Now let’s flip the script. Let’s say that Oprah was coming to your house for book club. I’m going to pause and let that sink in for a moment. Oprah. Your house. Book club. What just happened in your brain right now? Your set of thoughts created a set of feelings. These feelings may range from excitement to overwhelm to shame with lots of choices in between. Your emotional experience comes from the way that you’re thinking about what your home looks like, what you’re thinking about the size and layout of your home, what you’re thinking about how tidy or untidy it is. You might also be guessing what Oprah will think about your home. These series of thoughts weave together to form your perception or story of your home. They’re producing your feelings of judgment, of abundance, or of satisfaction. Remember, your home – just like Oprah’s home – is neutral. Both have concrete facts everyone would agree on. Everyone’s internal opinion is what creates the emotional experience. You’d take action to prepare for her arrival based on your specific feelings.
I know it’s hard to leave Oprah land, but I want to head back to why identifying and understanding the role of your emotions matters SO MUCH. The reason is that human beings, you included, take different actions based on how we’re feeling. In the Model, the feeling line is in the center. Our feelings either spur action or inaction, and the actions or inactions are what create our results.
When I was downsizing 60% of our belongings to move from a house to an apartment, I had to feel a lot of feelings. Most folks skip over this part, and I’m not here to judge or shame you if that’s been your case at any point. My goal is to bring attention to how emotions truly are a cornerstone of clutter-free living. I get it. Moving is stressful. You may be someone who fears moving simply because deep down you already know what I’m about to say. Moving takes physical work, and it also takes emotional work. The number of items that you take with you from one house to the next are directly tied to how much you’re willing to feel. When you avoid feeling, and in turn decision-making, you’ll transport many more items from one home to the next. Or you’ll rent a storage unit. Because you’re more organized than you think, you know that decluttering before you move is the best, most cost saving approach. Yet addressing the feelings and working through them sounds awful.
You’ve been conditioned to avoid feeling. Those vibrations I mentioned earlier, your emotions, won’t physically harm you. However, your brain is convinced that it’s safer NOT to feel. (There’s a whole separate psychology to that.) No one likes a tight chest. No one likes shallow breathing. No one likes to cry out of grief. Yet these messages in your body are your truth. Feeling them is possible and processing them is the most effective path to the lighter life you’re seeking. My clients who’ve done this work represent the difference.
Many of the items I passed on when moving were family heirlooms. They were gorgeous old pieces of furniture that I’d grown up with. I’d heard the stories around them. I knew that they were important and sentimental for my mother who’s now living with dementia. I was the keeper of the memories and stories for these items. As a result, I was the person who had to feel my feelings (sorrow mostly) around these objects. My attention was shifting more towards the future, and to do so, I had to let go of the past. I had to let go for both my mother, and for me. I had to grieve, once again, for where she is in life, and for where I am.
The external clutter you’re seeing in your life is intimately tied to your emotions. Opening yourself up to feeling is one of the most life-changing, deeply powerful skills you can build. Identifying and understanding your emotions will be positive fuel for every area of your life. Building emotional resilience – through sitting with and processing your feelings – is the most direct path to a clutter-free life. You’ll be able to address the mental clutter and the overworking by feeling your feelings. This will free you to make decisions. You’ll be able to address the physical clutter by feeling your feelings which will free you to make decisions. You’ll be able to have challenging or sensitive conversations with family members by feeling your feelings. When you’re willing to identify your emotions, understand the role they play, and then feel them, you’re unstoppable. You develop grit and a level of sensitivity that is true emotional health. You’ll begin to let go of clutter of all kinds that is holding you back from the intentional living you want to embody. It’s embracing an organized life.
If what I’ve shared here today touches you or aligns with your personal experience, I invite you to book a consultation with me. All emotions are welcome, and it’s my job to make it explicitly safe for you. I’d love to hear how clutter shows up in your life and craft a customized solution to lighten your mental, emotional, and physical load. Talk soon.
Outro: Thanks so much for tuning into this week's episode. If you liked this episode and know of just one other person that can get value from it too, I invite you to share it with them. I'd be more than grateful. I'd love to stay connected with you too. Make sure to follow this podcast to connect with me on Instagram @apleasantsolution and join my community at www.apleasantsolution.com. Talk to y'all soon and remember, you’re more organized than you think.
