When Frazzled Becomes the Norm
For me, frazzled feels like a dense brain cloud. I can’t seem to make the simplest decisions. I can’t hold onto an idea for more than a few seconds before it escapes me. My mind is cluttered, and I’m not 100% aware of it… until I notice myself not being able to think clearly about anything. For many women, this describes the mental + emotional load we constantly carry. This frazzled feeling becomes the norm as we hold multiple to-do lists in our head at all times.
We calculate. We anticipate. We notice what’s running low around the house, we determine what stops need to be made on the way home, and we predict what’s next in an uncanny fashion. It’s a tenuous balancing act between what’s of immediate need and what’s on the horizon. These could be appointments, celebrations, outstanding forms, or simply relationships that we’ve deemed “neglected.” We also read the body language and cues of those around us to anticipate their moods or feelings to plan how we’ll interact.
It’s not obvious to others that we’re performing this invisible work, therefore our efforts go unnoticed and unacknowledged.
Some of us shrug it off and keep going. We chalk it up to being the work of running a household. We normalize the internal pressure to keep it all together, to keep things running. We know that it’s exhausting, and we rarely share how this burden affects our overall satisfaction. However, emotional labor has deep, long-lasting effects on our mental and emotional health.
How it affects the body:
This continuous mental labor is draining and taxes our working memory. Instead of having full executive functioning capabilities, our mental and emotional capacity is stretched as we try to hold onto mounds of extra information. As a result, we spin in circles, unsure of what to focus on when. Our bodies react with physiological symptoms such as shallow breathing, strained digestion, a faster heart rate. Our sleep is disrupted.
It’s like your nervous system is operating on partial or full alert at all times.
Society labels it as busyness and overwhelm. When it reaches an extreme, it’s labeled as burnout.
It stems from the patriarchal construct that women are in charge of all things domestic and that it’s the space where you have the most control. This ends in a double-bind where you set higher and higher standards, see delegating as more effort than reward, and place the burden of a less-than-perfect moment squarely on your own shoulders. You think you’re to blame for not being able to keep up + think clearly. This is quite the emotional weight to hold onto.
How it affects our relationships:
It’s challenging to show up for others, including your job, when your working memory is partially occupied by a running to-do list. Your mind is split between the present conversations and tasks and the impending work later that day or week. It’s difficult to be fully engaged on any one thing. You may even subconsciously dread heading home (or transitioning out of work, if you work from home).
For me, I become short-tempered. I snap at my kids. I literally buzz around the house from one thing to the next. I see what is left to be done rather acknowledging all that has gone well with the day. I start conversations with a resentful tone: “Why hasn’t XYZ happened?” It’s almost as if I’m reminding myself of something that’s outstanding on my to-do list by being irritated with others. It’s an outward manifestation of my internal cluttered mind. I see the glass half full rather than appreciate that there’s water at all.
Rather than taking a breath, you may find yourself overworking and connecting less with those around you. It’s the opposite of what we truly desire - more free time and enjoyable moments with our friends and family. It can also result in people-pleasing. In efforts to keep others happy and satisfied, you may find yourself catering to their emotional state to ensure that all continues to move swimmingly ahead. This can add more to your plate if you agree to do something (or be somewhere) that you don’t actually want to do or have time for.
Awareness is a game changer.
Noticing your own thoughts, tendencies, and habits when you’re feeling frazzled is everything. Deciding that it’s not normal to carry around low-lying stress helps shine light and create the space for self-compassion. It’s impossible to make a change without first recognizing how your current mental + emotional load is affecting your body + mood.
Curiosity comes next. Ask yourself:
Why am I feeling this way?
What am I saying yes to doing that’s really a no?
How can I offload what’s in my head?
(journaling, note-taking, voice memos, delegating, etc)Why are these tasks / commitments even a priority?
How do they align with my personal, professional, or family values?
The emotional labor we do has value and an impact. Yet, it’s not always essential. Consciously dropping a few items from your list, giving yourself grace to make more errors, and deciding when you’ve reached your personal capacity for work are just a few actions you can choose to take.
You have a limited amount of time and energy in your day. Aiming to carry the entire weight of the household or your community will eventually cost your health and relationships. Know that you’re inherently worthy and a good human, partner, mother either way.
I’ve solved my long-standing relationship with emotional labor, and I can help you do the same.
It' starts with one powerful decision.
Share your struggles + feel relief immediately by booking your consult today.
