Welcoming a Child Gives More Than Joy

“Are they twins?” My dear friend Hannah was traveling with her two infants when she was stopped by a stranger. Truthfully, her two babies were similar ages and sizes. The striking difference was that one child was of Ethiopian heritage, and the other was white. Hannah was puzzled, yet in every effort to be polite, shared something like an… “almost.”

Hannah and I had met when I was pregnant with my eldest. She and her husband, confident that they would be unable to conceive, were in the process of adopting a daughter from Ethiopia. We became fast friends, and I had the honor of witnessing them follow all the guidelines and steps in hopes of welcoming their first child. During the adoption process Hannah became pregnant, and alas, she and her husband had the fortune to welcome “twins.”

Welcoming a child requires an untold amount of emotional labor.

Folks are just plain nosy, as mentioned above. I respect those who wait to share their news, simply because of the influx of questions, concerns, and opinions that start when pregnancy becomes noticeable. Strangers comment and ask questions that are none of their business. They begin to comment on your body, and it’s up to you to either shove them off or make them comfortable with an answer that seems to make sense for them.

Advice and stories pour in from family members, community members, and strangers. There’s an expectation that you’ll listen and respond thoughtfully, preferably in agreement. If you’re adopting, welcoming a child with additional needs, using a surrogate, or fertility treatments, there may be even more invasive curiosity. In expectation of these most commonly asked questions and scenarios, I encourage you to prepare snappy responses in order to save your time and emotional energy.

Everyone wants to “be helpful,” but the real question is will they be willing to put in the hours when truly needed? Discussing and communicating with love who will be welcome at the birth or in those first few weeks ensures that your emotional and physical needs will be front and center more than the comfort of extended family. Setting boundaries will benefit you and your partnership by limiting these outside voices aiming to “guide” your parenting process.

The dynamics with your partner will change, so talk early and often.

I wish the Fair Play Method had been established when I was having my three kids in 4.5 years. I would’ve asked better questions of my husband. I would’ve prepared to share the chore load of housework and parenting more fully, as well as pre-planned child-free moments. My husband is an excellent father, yet time-wise, he was growing and building his career in those early years. For each birth he was off for a couple of days then went swiftly back to the office. I chose to stay at home and parent fully believing I was capable of doing the bare minimum each day to keep the household running and everyone fed and alive.

Talking about the expected stresses and strain on each person’s time would have made things more explicit. Babies are unpredictable. We didn’t have the language to talk about perceived inadequacies around nursing + feeding, sleeping, connection time with one another, and personal fulfillment. Planning and preparing for his time away from work would’ve been helpful. Planning and preparing for me to have time away from our children would’ve been helpful. The idea that each of us were “required” to have time for personal passions, adult friendships, and self-care wasn’t discussed as openly as it could’ve been. We made time for these elements, and my friendship with Hannah sustained my mental health day in and out.

There’s going to be more stuff than you’ll actually need or use.

Welcoming a child brings gear. Who will do the research around items that are needed? Beware of thinking that one of you knows better because you’re female. Both parents can read reviews, select adequate furnishings, or chat with friends or parents a few years ahead of you on the journey. We designed a baby shower list, yet ended up with duplicates and overflow.

Decide in advance who’ll do the returns and exchanges, as well as put the crib and other items together. We had a ‘getting ready for baby’ party where I cooked while friends came by and unwrapped, built, and set up all the immediate needs.

Then there’s the daily maintenance of all the gear: washing bottles, pumps, and feeding utensils, as well as identifying items that need special care or sanitization. There’s making sure the car seat is installed each and every time it’s removed for travel or changing cars. There’s packing and unpacking of the diaper bag, cleaning the stroller, and emptying the diaper bin. Then, there’s the never-ending laundry cycle. Talking about these daily grind tasks when emotion is low will set clear guidelines about what needs to be done and to what standard.

It’s easy to miss these components once a child has arrived. There’s excitement, trepidation, and joy. Yet, these are the early stages when small elements of irritation can take root in a home and partnership. Because my husband and I didn’t have the Fair Play Method, we often discussed care tasks on the fly and in random moments which can make couples feel like all they’re ever talking about is baby-related topics.

Identify your support team and collaborate with them.

I remember taking our littles to the doctor and bearing the emotional weight of their fears and mine. Your support team extends beyond family and may include mental health professionals, coaches, parental leave experts, midwife/OBGYN, a lactation consultant, and more. Both parents need support when welcoming a child so begin to normalize the conversations around what may be needed and ways to communicate around these topics. I had mastitis with my eldest daughter, and those days were long, painful, and hard. I remember wanting the pain to end, and I wanted someone else to understand and empathize with what I was going through.

Although it may feel like selecting a pediatrician, a day care, and babysitters may be a permanent decision, give yourself permission to change your mind when a relationship feels out of alignment. Talk with your partner about what elements are essential and discuss who will spend time managing the well-being of these relationships. I took the lead in our home around most of these topics, yet now the efforts are more equitable.

Trust yourself first.

Wild cards, like Welcoming a Child, are moments of uncertainty. There’s nothing anyone can say that will eliminate the inevitable obstacles you’ll encounter. Trust yourself, as you are more capable and more intuitive than you know. Allow the transition to be bumpy and a little messy. Listen to your intuition when it comes to doing more than you have time and energy for, as your focus is best suited nurturing your growing family. Know that you’ll remember the stories and moments that are most meaningful, and you’ll grow each and every day that you show up for your new family addition.

Fortunately, the folks at Fair Play have your back.
If you’re welcoming a new child, be sure to download the Wild Card guide and connect with me as your journey unfolds!