Discipline + Screen Time: No One’s Favorite

Being an adult is tough. Kids would argue that being a kid is tougher. Discipline and screen time supervision are essential elements of parenting, but let’s be honest, they're no one’s favorite. I think it’s because, inside, we can all still connect to that younger version of ourselves, the one who was on the receiving end of consequences for our actions.

You see, I’m stubborn. When I was little and broke a household rule, I’d be told to sit on the steps - alone - and think about my actions. I’d sit there for hours. I never wanted to give in and take ownership of how I could possibly be wrong. I was great at passing the time and pretending I was oblivious to the punishment. Now, I use that stubbornness to my advantage as the loving parent who helps my children seen the impact of their choices.

Your choices make an impact.

I aimed (and still aim) to keep discipline simple. I defined our household rules, I repeated them often, and when the kids were young, I even put them up on the wall for easy reference. Listen to directions the first time they’re given, trust is given until you break it (so don’t be sneaky!), and the way we treat each other is the most important thing we do each day.

These rules were broad enough that there weren’t a lot of do’s and don’t’s, but instead room for a limited amount of conversation around how our behavior impacts others. I’d encourage my children to identify how their behavior was their choice and within their control, identify how they felt beforehand, and what they might do differently in the future. I’d model the same, especially if I was grouchy or short-tempered and didn’t respond to them in the best way.

Try again.

Because I was the at-home parent for most of my children’s formative years, I held the discipline and screen time card. As with other cards I’ve written, that’s evolved as my husband’s working hours have shifted. He follows up with kids, shares his perspective, and is a bit more cut and dry with his approach. For him there’s much more of a ‘use common sense’ angle, time to process, then time to connect and discuss. (Ironically, common sense is truly what we’re teaching here…)

The most commonly heard phrase in our home when a child would make a mistake or poor choice then get called out for it, was “try again.” They’d come to me with all their feelings and words and explanations. I help them regulate to calm down, and if they still spoke incorrectly to me or in a tone that I didn’t approve of, I’d offer that they “try again.”

Sure, there were times where one or more kids would have to take a break to be by themselves (steps, anyone?). There were many more times when the work or task that I’d request for them to complete would ‘wait for them.’ Consequences in our household were clearly defined and explicit, and I’d always remind them that we’re all learning each and every day. Mistakes made today were simply practice for tomorrow.

Consequences externalize boundaries.

Rules and guidelines help to keep folks in the home emotionally and physically safe. They’re signs of respect: respect for one another, respect for our shared spaces, and respect for ourselves. I chose to be open and transparent with my kids about my process of discipline, and aimed to give them a window into my thinking and emotional experience along the way. I’d explicitly say, “I’m feeling disappointed / hurt / sad that you chose to do XYZ. I know you may disagree with the way I’m seeing things. It’s okay if your feelings are different too.”

I’d outline the consequence for their actions, then reconnect with them after sufficient amount of time to check for understanding. If I didn’t find that understanding, we’d repeat the process. I didn’t expect my kids to routinely apologize just to apologize. Even as teenagers, I now expect them to verbalize the impact their choice had on others.

You may choose to do things differently. I think the key is helping kids connect the dots between household boundaries, their choices, their impact, and future alternatives. Consistent implementation helps everyone be clear on what’s acceptable, what’s not, and why. This takes a tremendous amount of emotional labor, and I know what' it’s like to want to let something slide just to not have to go through the whole process again.

Screen time is an ongoing, ever-evolving conversation.

My eldest daughter was born the week that the iPhone was launched, in 2007. I feel like we’ve been talking about screen time ever since which is exactly why it’s a designated ‘daily grind’ card within The Fair Play Method. The conversation around buying her an iPad took a few months and involved surveying other parents and loved ones about their thoughts. This was nearly a decade ago.

Accepting that you’re in for the long haul is the best approach for this card. Screen time is a huge part of our lives, and I think that the conversation within households has to evolve from number of minutes spent to the quality or type of content being consumed.

Each day, you’re creating the reference point.

It’s a hard topic for partners to work through because we have no reference points from our past. You’re creating the rules and boundaries for your home in real time, based on real experiences and learnings, and this is the true point for partners to work through.

Consider creating different buckets of reasons why kids would be allowed access to devices or screens. Perhaps there’s a minimum standard for when a parent is working from home versus available to be present and interact. Perhaps there’s a different standard for traveling or breaks from school than the daily routine. Perhaps there’s a minimum standard of tasks completed (homework, household chores / contributions, lessons practiced) before a child can use their device.

The key is to create general, agreed upon guidelines between partners so that blame has no place in the conversation. Also, know that your minimum standards will evolve as children grow older and become either more (or less) responsible with their usage.

Devices aren’t a need. They’re a want.

Ever since the beginning, our kids have known that their devices aren’t private. They must share their passwords and any information requested or lose access. They plug them in a central location at night. They have device-free days and one of our children has had device-free months. You’re in charge, and it’s less about reminding kids of this fact than making it a habit to inquire about what they’re doing, who they’re chatting with, and creating an open door policy to discuss anything uncomfortable or upsetting that happens.

Parenting is a journey filled with mistakes, and parenting around device usage will come with a number of them. Being transparent and vulnerable with your kids and your partner as you go through this process will help them see that you’re learning alongside of them and that when boundaries and limits change, there’s a reason or insight behind it. Discipline and screen time is an evolving landscape; and as long as you’re leading with and making your family’s values explicit, it’s okay if implementing boundaries are no one’s favorite.

Be sure to check out my upcoming public workshops + newly released podcast episodes.