62 | When Your Family Needs You More
62 | When Your Family Needs You More
Are you feeling the pull between your personal goals and your family's evolving needs? In this episode, we explore a topic that touches the heart of every person who juggles multiple roles - the inevitable moment when family needs you more.
Tune in as I share my own experiences with alignment, the unexpected challenges of parenting across different life stages, and the subtle signals that family may need to take precedence.
This is not just another discussion on work-life balance; it's a deeper exploration of the signals and signs that tell us when to shift our focus back to the home front. By recognizing the subtle nudges of inner wisdom that often get lost in the noise of daily life, we can thoughtfully examine the nuances of being a present parent, and in turn gracefully adjust with the ebb and flow of life.
RESOURCE:
Becoming a Caregiver or Thinking Ahead? Download my Open Ended Questions for Loved Ones and Care Communities + join my email community.
FEATURED ON THE SHOW:
Come say hello on Instagram
Follow me on Facebook
See what I’m up to on LinkedIn
Join my community at https://www.apleasantsolution.com/
LIKE THIS EPISODE?
I invite you to share, rate, review, and follow my show. Also, join the conversation by connecting with me on Instagram @apleasantsolution.
-
Intro: Welcome to A Pleasant Solution, Embracing An Organized Life. I'm your host, certified life coach, professional organizer, and home life expert, Amelia Pleasant Kennedy and I help folks permanently eliminate clutter in their homes and lives. On this podcast will go beyond the basics of home organization to talk about why a clutter-free mindset is essential to an aligned and sustainable lifestyle. If you're someone with a to-do list, if you're managing a household and if you're caring for others, this podcast is for you. Let's dive in.
Amelia: Welcome to Episode 62, “When Your Family Needs You More.” Hey y’all! Before we dive into today’s topic, I want to invite you to join my email community. You can do so via the show notes of this episode or by heading to my website, apleasantsolution.com. Each week I share additional stories and insights, share my workshops and public speaking engagements, and offer a weekly mini solution. Email is a great way to connect with me, and if you’re thinking about working with me in the future, it’s an easy way to get started. I’d love to have you, and I love hearing from folks when they reply with their feedback and insights. One reader regularly updates me when she makes progress with her mini goals, and it warms my heart.
Alright. I’ve been thinking a lot about my time and energy lately, and today’s topic builds a bit further on the concept of alignment I’ve addressed in the last couple of episodes. I’m an intentional person. I’ve done the inner work to center myself in my own life and my family. I no longer say yes when I want to say no – both within my home and within my business. Yet, nothing is ever static. Our families evolve, our work evolves, our perspectives evolve. The thing is, we don’t always see that evolution coming, because we’re absorbed in the details of everyday life. The image it brings to mind for me is floating in the ocean. Your body naturally bobs with the swell of each wave. You’re going along with the movement because that’s what makes sense. You don’t always expect a wave to overtake you, although you know it may be possible.
For the last little while, post-pandemic, I’ve been floating in the ocean. Things have been steady. I’ve been bobbing up and down. This calm within my home and family – despite living long distance and managing multiple households (you know… it’s all relative) – has allowed me to put a significant portion of my time and attention towards my business. It’s been amazing. Of course, there have been occasional swells of the ocean, and there have been a few waves (like getting a surprise bout of appendicitis last summer). In each of these moments, I’ve still felt like I could redirect my attention back to my clients and my business.
Yet, life has gotten a little choppy these last few months, and I’m starting to wonder whether the winds are changing a bit. So, on today’s episode I want to address a topic that many mothers, parents, or caregivers may be familiar with – the pull of family. Our families are often our anchor. They keep us steady and grounded. Sometimes, they’re stowed away on the boat and need little attention. On occasion, they can feel like a weight or a heavy distraction from what we’d like to pursue. Other times, they may feel like the priority or purpose. What I want to share is that their role or relevance in your life may shift or evolve, and it takes awareness to know what placement they’re taking up in your mind and heart at any given time.
Children need us a lot when they’re little. They need all types of care, and they need all types of attention. At some point, they become a bit more self-sufficient and their daily needs change. Sure, they’ll always need love, connection, attention, and their basic needs met. In this case I’m talking about growing independence and ownership of tasks. I’ve shared before on the podcast how I invested a lot of time, energy, and attention into my kids, specifically with the goal of moving them to the place where they were thoughtful and more self-reliant.
These last few years have proven to me that I did do my best. I’ve achieved the elusive Unicorn Space that Eve Rodsky defines. I’ve given myself permission to be unavailable and taught others to honor and respect my time. I don’t experience much guilt or shame around separating myself from my family which is why I’ve leaned in to coaching folks around this topic. I’ve been able to separate family from work, work from life, and shift my focus and attention to any given area when called upon. Now, please know that I’m not saying that I’ve got it all figured out or have some magical inner willpower that seems like it stems from a mythical realm. No, I’ve embraced an organized life that’s occasionally messy, where the waves ebb and swell, and that’s draining at times because that's the nature of being human.
My kids have needed me less these last few years, but now, I’m starting to think that they may need me more. My youngest daughter is 12 and is in in-person middle school, my son is 14 and is a virtual homeschooling student and an elite athlete, and my eldest daughter is 17 and is a boarding student in her junior year of high school. So, why is this relevant to you – you’re probably thinking? It’s relevant to you because each one of us is either floating in the ocean peacefully, has just survived a big wave or a raging storm or is feeling that wave or storm incoming.
Even if you’re clear on your personal priorities, a shift in family dynamics may happen in a stealthy way. Yes, families get thrown for a loop when a loved one passes, there’s a job layoff, or when multiple life disruptions occur at one time. But for this episode, I want to focus on the building of messages and data points that indicate to you that family may need to shift higher on the priority rung. For example, folks often reach out and connect with me because they’re noticing changes in a parent. They know that I’m on this long road right now. Dementia changes are often slow and stealthy (although they’re not always). They wonder if they see a tsunami starting to form way out in the distance even though they’re still bobbing in the waves.
If you’ve parented teens in the past or have gone through the college application process, you can begin to empathize with the idea of family needing you more. I feel like the teen years were mentioned somewhere back in the beginning, but… For me, the signs were subtle. They started off as those inner wisdom nudges I was talking about in the last few episodes. Our living arrangement across multiple households is unique and intentional by design, yet, even so, we had our sense of normal.
My husband and I check in with one another frequently about our kids and life demands, and over the last few months I’ve noticed the overall tone changing. Rather than just offering updates on various kids, there’s been more worry threaded in. This was one signal. Each of our children seemed to be going through growing pains of some sort, and in turn that gets amplified for parents. You may feel compelled to jump in and fix their issues, yet with teens, listening and reflecting often works more effectively. Kids take on and process the pressures of their lives in different ways, and over the last few years, most of these instances have been small waves that pass.
So, the first question I’d like you to consider is, “What are the signs or signals that more of your time, energy, and attention are needed at home?” They could be signs that your partnership needs more dedicated care. They could be signals that your parents or an extended family needs more of your minutes and care. This doesn’t have to just apply to kids. If you’re anything like me, you’ll notice an increase in your mental clutter, a more persistent level of exhaustion, and sustained emotional tension. Basically, more stress. It’s important to define these signs or signals because knowing them will help you consciously choose your next steps.
I get that it’s easy to default to feeling like your family needs you all of the time. That can seem very true. However, if you were to zoom out, you’d see that during different seasons of life the waves you’re floating in vary from still waters to intense storms. Unless you’re living in a highly volatile environment, and if so, I recommend that you share this with a professional or law enforcement, there are moments where your family members need you more and moments where your family members need you less. Get curious. How do you know when you’re feeling pulled towards giving more time and attention to family, and how do you know when the pull has lessened?
Recently, I was coaching a client and she began our conversation by explaining that she’d taken a pause in her organizing business because “I know that I’m needed elsewhere.” At that moment I was transparent with her. I was like, “Are we living the same life right now?” Together, we got curious. I asked her HOW she knew that she was needed elsewhere. Pausing to identify these markers – of how you know something to be true – helps you better understand your lived experience. She outlined for me, “My family is more busy than usual. It’s more chaotic. There are signs… it’s almost as if I’m being pulled.” She went on to share the specifics of her immediate and extended family’s needs.
Giving airtime to these inner nudges allows you to better accept what’s happening in your home rather than resist it. Back to the analogy of the ocean, it allows you to bob in the water rather than think that you can control the water. Awareness and acceptance of what you’re sensing helps you make an informed intentional decision that works for you.
As women, we often feel like our families depend on us. That we hold everything together and that we’re responsible for it all. That’s a heavy weight. It’s a weight that we’ve made up, and one I’ve chosen to put down. Instead, I prefer to gather the data, check in with my intuition, then make decisions that work for me. If a decision works for me, in turn, it will work for others in my family. So, in my case I shared my awareness with my husband. I said, “I’m getting a sense that the family may be needing me more these days. Tell me what you’re thinking.” I gathered data, and this data confirmed my intuition. As a result, I was in the place to make an informed decision about my time, my business, my own levels of energy and attention. I cannot control my family; I can only control how I respond and show up for them.
So, the second question I’d like you to consider is, “How will I respond when I’m getting the sense that my family needs me more?” This gives you agency. You are not at the whim of others. This is your life and your home. You’re in control of how you respond, and you get to choose what adjustments you’ll make in your schedule to meet the growing needs of others. Now, I know for some of you this may sound impossible. If you have infants and toddlers, I get that you may be in the phase of life where family is all demanding. Yet, even in these moments, you get to consciously decide. Tune in to your inner desires. Yes, your brain may be utterly exhausted and tell you that you’d rather hang out on the beach than nurse a sick child for one more minute. Sure, you may be feeling ‘all touched out.’ Your power comes from assessing all these data points then blending them with your deep inner knowing. You can’t force alignment. You can only explore your inner wisdom to land on the decisions that make sense for you.
My client decided to temporarily pause working on and in her business in order to be there for what was happening in her family. Internally, she felt a twinge of guilt and questioned whether she’d made the right decision. You’re more organized than you think. You’re always making the right decision with the data and inner wisdom available to you. Guilt doesn’t give value to all that’s happening in your life. It tries to get you to second guess yourself. Yet, no matter what decision you make – to offer more time, energy, and attention to your family or not – there will be slightly critical voices telling you could’ve done things differently. That’s why landing on the best decision for you is so very important. It provides that anchor or reason for your choice.
I’ve responded to my family needing me more by simply being more mentally and physically available. I’m not taking time away from my paid clients, nor am I taking time away from the podcast, my blog, or my weekly newsletter. Perhaps, if the seas were even choppier, I would push pause on these offerings. Instead, I’m choosing to respond by taking better care of myself. I’m stepping away from a few non-essential commitments. I’m creating more open blocks on my calendar. I’m increasing my daily self-compassion and kindness. I’m owning that I’m doing a lot.
This is the last point I want you to consider today. What if you took a moment – let’s say right now – and recognized how much you’re doing. Breathe it in. It’s possible that you’re holding a lot. It’s possible that you have a lot going on. It’s possible that you’re feeling responsible for others, responsible for paid work, responsible for unpaid work, your home, your elders, your children, your community… and somewhere in there is you too. Yes, there will be times where your family will need you more. AND you need to be in a position to choose whether there’s more of you to give. Again, there’s no right answer. You are not obligated to give more. You truly may not have more to give at this moment, and that’s needed awareness too.
In these moments, I like to consider the question, “What would love do right now?” Loving yourself, loving others… This is big, important work. Give yourself credit for it all. That’s what I think love would do. Talk to y’all soon.
Outro: Did you know that I write a weekly Fair Play-themed blog? Head on over to apleasantsolution.com/blog to follow along. I’m breaking down each of the 100 cards of Fair Play in random order sharing how we handle the card in our household. Thanks for reading, and of course, thanks for listening!
