57 | Choosing Sobriety
57 | Choosing Sobriety
From the seemingly harmless daily glass of wine to the intentional choice of sobriety, this episode unpacks the mindset shifts and coaching tools that led me to embrace a life without alcohol.
I'll explore the importance of questioning habits of all types. I’ll discuss the empowering notion that every choice is an opportunity for you to exercise agency, whether it’s with food, social media, exercise, or overworking. I’ll also share how to navigate the messy middle of desire, allowing the urge to drink, and feeling what you may be avoiding. I’ve discovered a few unexpected rewards through this sobriety experiment too.
Cheers to the power of intentional decision making!
Please note that you should consult with your doctor before making any major shifts in your health or lifestyle, and seek professional support if you or someone you know has a challenging relationship with alcohol.
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Intro: Welcome to A Pleasant Solution, Embracing An Organized Life. I'm your host, certified life coach, professional organizer, and home life expert, Amelia Pleasant Kennedy and I help folks permanently eliminate clutter in their homes and lives. On this podcast will go beyond the basics of home organization to talk about why a clutter-free mindset is essential to an aligned and sustainable lifestyle. If you're someone with a to-do list, if you're managing a household and if you're caring for others, this podcast is for you. Let's dive in.
Amelia: Welcome to Episode 57, “Choosing Sobriety.” This morning, as I was running on the treadmill, I decided upon today’s topic. I became a runner during the pandemic, and several years in, I still have a mixed relationship with it. I guess that’s a classic feature of any type of movement practice: when you do it several times a week, you’re in a groove, and the endorphins feel amazing. However, once the little gremlins in your brain take control and convince you that something else is more important for a few days, it’s easy to step away. For the last few weeks, I haven’t been moving consistently, and the gremlins were winning out.
Yet, when we talk about living an aligned and sustainable life, one important feature is always remembering the power of choice. You can step back on the treadmill just as easily as you stepped off. It’s the choice – that micro-moment where you decide to stay put or get moving – that is where your power lies. Sure, walking, running, rock climbing, skiing, playing pickleball… Any kind of movement requires you to build stamina and regularly do the internal work of resisting the urge to sit on the couch, but such is life. The joy is in remembering that you’re always making a choice, in any area of your life, at any moment.
Most of us get caught up in the mental drama of making the “right” choice, and I’d offer that learning to accept that there’s no “right” choice is so freeing. A choice or a decision simply takes you in one direction. Not making a choice or a decision takes you in another direction. We’re never really standing still, and therefore curiosity becomes your best companion when it comes to understanding why you make the choices you do.
So, on today’s episode, I’ll be sharing why I chose to become sober. I’ll be sharing how my coaching journey led me to better understand my choices, and how once I learned the role of urges in our choice-making, I was able to make an informed and intentional choice to stop drinking alcohol. Now, this episode isn’t about encouraging you to quit drinking. It’s about my perspective, and how the tools of coaching helped me land on the best choice for me. I’ll be using my story to help you better identify the micro-moment in your day where you may be making a choice: a choice to eat the burger versus the salad, a choice to be critical rather than kind to yourself, a choice to drop something on the nearest surface rather than to put it away. All of these micro-moments compound to create a specific outcome: more calories consumed than we’d like, more self-judgment rather than self-compassion, more clutter than not. Once I was able to see my micro-moment, feel my inner urge, and break the habit cycle, I was free from drinking.
Please note that you should consult with your doctor before making any major shifts in your health or lifestyle. I’ll be sharing the many benefits I’ve felt from removing alcohol from my life. However, if you are a regular drinker or consume several drinks per day, stopping drinking cold turkey can induce withdrawal symptoms. Lastly, if you suspect that you, or someone you love, has a challenging relationship with alcohol or any other addictive substance, I highly recommend you seek professional counseling and treatment. One of the newest terms is alcohol use disorder and giving that term a quick search will give you a starting place to talk with your doctor.
To be fair and transparent, I’ve never liked feeling out of control. When I was in my early 20s and began drinking, I enjoyed the mild effects of alcohol. I didn’t attend a large college where heavy drinking was the norm. I typically avoided that culture, and whenever my friends and I would go out, I’d volunteer to drive. I trusted myself. I didn’t trust others quite as much. I could be out, have a good time, and stop after one drink. I was more than happy to have water. I’d rather get home in one piece and be there to support my friends than get drunk.
I share this because many of you may consider the role of willpower in this conversation. You may even think I have some special willpower abilities. That’s because it’s the main message out there: if you use enough willpower, you can lose weight, stop drinking, get organized, or develop a lifelong exercise plan. That’s wrong. Willpower is an inner resource. You have a limited amount of willpower each day, and when it’s gone, desire kicks in full force.
I liked to drink gin, bourbon, red or white wine, and Veuve Cliquot champagne. I didn’t drink vodka – ever. If I was to drink beer or any kind of alcohol, I wanted to taste the alcohol. I’m a strange bird, I know. Around the house I’d often drink a glass of wine which is where this story begins.
I began coach training through The Life Coach School in early 2020, just at the beginning of the pandemic. The initial coach training portion was six months, and this portion was followed by an additional six months of practical application. During this year, I coached for a hundred hours easily, and received coaching regularly each week. Becoming a certified coach means being willing to assume the role of the client – to learn to be as vulnerable as we ask others to be. Most of the sessions were general life coaching, yet there was a segment of training on overeating and a segment on overdrinking.
First, there’s no standard definition of overdrinking. You get to define it for yourself. It’s basically when you’re drinking more than you want to be drinking and doing so without intentional thought or planning. If you want to be sober, overdrinking is having a drink or more a week. If you want to be drinking four glasses of alcohol a week or less, overdrinking is when you consume five or more. If it’s never crossed your mind to think about how much or how little, on average, you’d like to drink, this is your nudge.
So, takeaway number one is that drinking alcohol is a choice. You are in charge of your choices. You get to decide how frequently you drink. You get to decide when and where you drink. You get to decide what you’ll do if driving is involved. You get to decide whether it’s limited to celebrations, limited to home, or limited to dinners out or vacations. Again, there’s no right answer, the key is to own that you have the power to set decision guidelines for yourself in advance of consuming alcohol. (As a side note, feel free to use this approach for food, scrolling TikTok, sitting on the couch, avoiding decluttering, avoiding resting… you fill in the applicable blank.) If you make no further changes after listening to this episode than owning that you can decide, in advance of drinking, your guidelines for drinking, that would be amazing.
When you consciously decide what normal drinking is for you versus overdrinking, you’ve asserted your power. You’ve created guidelines, and guidelines help you create data. Data equals feedback, and this level of awareness translates to empowered decision-making. So, back to my coaching story. When we reached the overdrinking portion of our course, I volunteered to be the overdrinking client. I volunteered, at first, because no one else did. I volunteered because I didn’t see myself as having a fraught relationship with alcohol. I saw myself as having a positive one. I was willing to be vulnerable, and I thought that my “positive” relationship with alcohol would lead to several good conversations.
In order to concisely share my point, I’ll start by saying that drinking can be a mindless habit. A habit is a cycle where there’s desire, then an urge, and when you give into the urge, desire lessens, and you feel relief. When I used curiosity to explore my day-to-day experience what I discovered was my habit cycle. Now you may sit down at the end of the day, open a bottle of wine, and drink for many reasons. Common reasons are that alcohol provides relief. It’s relaxing. If you’re with girlfriends, you may see it as fun or celebratory. It relieves stress. It helps you turn off your brain. I get to be the one who shares with you the honest truth: these are excuses. These are deeply ingrained thoughts. These beliefs come from the constant barrage of messages we receive – through advertising, movies, the glamorization of drinking, wine culture – honestly, the culture of drinking is everywhere in the United States.
For me, I noticed that I used wine to celebrate my daily wins as a mother. If you were a fly on the wall, this is what you’d have seen. I’d come into the kitchen, decide whether I’d want a glass of red wine or white, then decide what I was planning to cook for dinner. I’d open the bottle, pour a glass, drink it while prepping dinner, then finish the last few sips while eating. Occasionally, I’d pour another half glass, but more often than not, one glass was enough. That’s it. I’d think some version of, “Today was a good day. I made it through. Time to relax.” It was absolutely seemingly harmless.
Which brings me to takeaway number two, even the most seemingly harmless habits deserve to be questioned. This is the beauty of coaching and mindset work. It’s a tool to analyze your thinking, your habits, and your choices. It’s a neutral way of checking in to see if you’d like to continue to do things the way they are or not. It brings your choice back into the spotlight. At this moment, I could look at my daily pattern and decide there was nothing wrong. I could say, my daily choice feels like a good one. Yet, I decided to take a closer look.
I’d developed a habit. I was acting on autopilot doing the same thing each day. Curiosity allowed me to ask myself, “Why?” Yes, the day was good. Yes, I’d made it through. Why was the glass of wine a part of the desire to relax? This is where I invite you to get curious. Thinking about why you overdrink (or simply drink in the first place) is essential. What’s the feeling you’re trying to create? What are the feelings you’re trying to avoid?
How could you relax without wine? Is that even a thing? You’re more organized than you think. Alcohol isn’t important for your body. It’s not a need; it’s a want. Alcohol is a drug. When you drink to fulfill the urge to drink, your brain releases dopamine. Your brain loves dopamine, therefore, it’s going to encourage you, to nudge you to do anything that brings in more dopamine.
When deciding to break a habit many folks try to resist their brain’s urge for more dopamine through willpower. This is a backwards approach. Using willpower to break a habit translates to making the urge even stronger. You built the habit in the first place. There was a time when I didn’t drink. I’d become a drinker. There was a time when I didn’t run. Now, I’ve become a runner. Those examples are two sides of the same coin. Breaking a habit begins with allowing an urge rather than resisting it.
As I questioned my reason for drinking, I also zeroed in on the micro-moment where I was making the choice to pour the glass of wine. I want to pause here for a moment and encourage you to consider the areas where you feel like life is happening to you versus you making the conscious choice. The venti Starbucks isn’t draining your budget and adding calories to your diet. You are choosing to drive to Starbucks and spend the money. The piles in your kitchen don’t just appear. You are choosing to create them, one micro-moment, one micro-decision at a time. When you increase your awareness of how you’re always choosing, one way or another, you elevate your own sense of agency and power.
I chose my wine, then chose what to cook. Awareness. There was a moment where I chose to pour the glass. Awareness. Those were two key points where I could make a different choice. Great, and choosing sobriety involves the messy middle of allowing the urge to drink to show up then pass.
Allowing an urge looks different for us all. At its core it means noticing the feelings, the cravings that your body is producing. Your brain may start off quietly pointing your thoughts to the bottle. It may start nudging you to get the glass. Be kind to yourself. Your brain is doing its job. It’s doing what it did yesterday. It’s predicting that this is what’s supposed to happen at this time of day, in this environment, with these people. In order to interrupt the habit, you must slow down. You must pause long enough to feel your feelings. Drink a glass of water or tea instead. Don’t distract yourself with another task. By pausing and feeling your feelings, the urge will be there, and then after a few minutes or so, it will pass. Let me say it again. Allowing is slowing down, feeling, hearing your brain roar at you to do something, breathing deeply, reminding yourself that everything is okay, and being patient until the urge subsides. Repeat. If you’re able to repeat the practice of allowing the urge and not fulfilling the habit cycle more than once, you can do it again. If you can do it five times, you can do it ten or twenty times.
So, to recap, takeaway number one is that drinking alcohol is a choice. Takeaway two is that even the most harmless habits deserve to be questioned. The last takeaway I’d like to offer is to focus on the rewards. Y’all! I had no idea that not drinking was so rewarding! It can feel impossible to imagine life without excess sugar, excess clutter, excess work, excess social media. I get it. Part of the reason we continue in our habit patterns is because thoughts like, “Well, how will I celebrate if I don’t drink?” Or “What will I say when folks ask me why I quit drinking?” It can seem like life will be dull on the other side. Yet, consider choosing sobriety as an experiment. You can always choose to drink. But can you choose not to drink? I wanted to find out the rewards of not drinking to make an informed, intentional decision.
First off, I sleep so much better. Sure, you’ll fall asleep faster when you drink, but your sleep cycle isn’t as deep or as healthy. You won’t know how refreshed you can feel until you’ve stepped away from alcohol. Plus, not having a headache is a bonus. Second, I lost like ten pounds unintentionally. It’s easy to forget how much sugar is in alcohol. I was shocked to see how quitting drinking lessened the number of pounds I was carrying. Third, depending on how much you drink, your budget will also feel the difference. Whether you drink at home or out and about, you may save a hundred or more dollars a month by choosing sobriety. Lastly, your body will thank you. Consuming alcohol is hard on the heart and liver, it’s hard on the skin, and it’s dehydrating. You may be experiencing unintended fogginess or headaches as a result of drinking.
I’ve been sober for three years, as of this month. I don’t even think about alcohol anymore. The first few weeks of quitting were a challenge – allowing the urges, watching my brain’s drama, pausing long enough to let the urge to have a glass of wine to pass, learning to feel my feelings – and the 150 weeks since have been enormously rewarding. My husband quit drinking about a year and a half ago too. We joke that we’re too old. Honestly, though, I think we’re smart. Choosing sobriety has no downsides. In social situations I order a lemonade, a ginger ale, or a mocktail. I tell folks I’m happier and more fulfilled because I quit drinking. I don’t make a big deal of it, and neither do they. It’s a choice, and that’s all you and I ever have. Talk to y’all soon.
Outro: Hey y'all, let's connect and chat on socials. You can find me on Instagram and Facebook @apleasantsolution. I'm also on LinkedIn at Amelia Pleasant Kennedy. Feel free to send me a quick note and let me know what you'd like to hear more about, or what home life organizational challenges are top of mind for you. Talk to y'all soon.
