47 | How To Center Your Parents When Discussing Their Future Care
47 | How To Center Your Parents When Discussing Their Future Care
As someone who’s navigated this journey first hand, I understand the reluctance and difficulty in broaching conversations about future care for parents.
In today's episode, I share three crucial takeaways on how to center your parents when discussing what’s next for them and their belongings. Drawing from my experience talking with my mom, who’s living with dementia, I'll guide you through the importance of appreciating and respecting your loved ones' individuality.
So if you're navigating the delicate balance of preparing for the future while respecting your parents' wishes, join me on this episode for insights that will empower and guide you through this challenging yet crucial journey.
MENTIONED:
National Association of Home Builders
Planning to Age in Place? Download my Aging-in-Place Design Considerations
RESOURCE:
Becoming a Caregiver or Thinking Ahead? Download my Open Ended Questions for Loved Ones and Care Communities + join my email community.
FEATURED ON THE SHOW:
Come say hello on Instagram
Follow me on Facebook
See what I’m up to on LinkedIn
Join my workshops.
LIKE THIS EPISODE?
I invite you to share, rate, review and follow my show. Also, join the conversation by connecting with me on Instagram @apleasantsolution.
-
A PLEASANT SOLUTION PODCAST 47
Intro: Welcome to A Pleasant Solution, Embracing an Organized Life. I'm your host, certified life coach, professional organizer and home life expert, Amelia Pleasant Kennedy and I help folks permanently eliminate clutter in their homes and lives. On this podcast we'll go beyond the basics of home organization to talk about why a clutter-free mindset is essential to an aligned and sustainable lifestyle. If you're someone with a to-do list, if you're managing a household and if you're caring for others, this podcast is for you. Let's dive in.
Amelia: Welcome to Episode 47, How to Center Your Parents When Discussing Their Future Care. Hey y’all. When I launched this podcast, nearly a year ago, I decided with intention to include my thoughts on the caregiving process in this podcast. It’s a topic that’s a part of my lived experience, and I believe that many of us find ourselves in the position of offering support to our loved ones before we’re adequately prepared. My goal has always been to add to this conversation on my podcast with the hopes that you’ll either feel seen and acknowledged, or that you’ll be encouraged to think through this difficult topic sooner rather than later. I recognize that each family structure is different, so please adapt and adjust my suggestions to suit your needs.
Alright. So, each of us will either become a caregiver or receive care from others at some point in our lives. As a Coach, I believe that everyone knows themselves best and holds more wisdom inside of themselves that they often dare to recognize. As an individual, I recognize and expect others to be stubborn and often unwilling to participate in challenging conversations. Yet, I’m stubborn too. Talking with loved ones about their mortality and about their future choices is necessary because it may directly affect you. Therefore, I encourage you to be equally stubborn and continue to bring these tough questions to the forefront of your relationship so that you don’t find yourself overburdened in the future. In return for your diligence, you’ll receive a sense of what this process may look like and feel like for you in a few decades. Ultimately, you’ll have a template to reflect on what you’ll choose when you’re the subject of the conversation.
So, on today’s episode, I’ll share three takeaways for how to keep your parents centered when discussing their future care. I’ll use examples from how I centered my mom in her conversation. Even though her mind was becoming forgetful and her initiative around daily activities was slipping, I wanted her to participate as much as possible in the decision-making process around her next steps. Before dementia, she was a capable, outgoing, fun-loving woman who loved to command any space she was in. These qualities continue to exist still inside of her, and as you begin to talk with your parents or loved ones about next steps, I encourage you to speak from the highest level of appreciation and respect for the individual you’re talking to. If highlighting or identifying their strongest qualities is a challenge for you, consider doing a bit of compassionate inner pre-work before beginning the conversation. Your parents will be sensitive to your tone based on how much they’ve begun to think about what’s next, so aim to be as neutral to positive as possible in your feelings when checking in with them.
First, let me share that I have one brother. We’re three years apart in age. He and I have always communicated well therefore I saw him as a natural partner in this journey with our mother. Think about and identify who would be your best partner (or partners), as well. Aim to be transparent with them about the need for talking to the elders in your life and invite them to participate in the conversation. Tell them why you’re seeking their input and support and genuinely listen to their responses, questions, and concerns. You’ll be better prepared to navigate the conversations with your parents if you and your team members have established common ground and discussed any potential areas of friction in advance or in private before talking with your loved ones.
The first takeaway I’d like to share with you is to set aside your opinions and feelings about what they should do, where they should live, and what decisions they should make, and approach the conversation through their eyes. Basically, you want to shift yourself and your perspective out of your shoes and into your parents’ shoes. You don’t love it when folks tell you what to do and leading with your opinions – even in tone - is a surefire way to shut the conversation down early. It’s not that your suggestions and ideas don’t matter, it’s more that there will be a moment later to offer them. Center them first, then you’ll have gathered information to better inform your next best steps.
A huge part of the conversation around future living arrangements, estate planning, and finances revolves around trust and control. Your elders may assume that discussing the future will lead them toward a loss of their agency, and that’s a reasonable fear or concern. Therefore, it’s critical to explicitly communicate that you desire to center their wants in the process. I believe that my brother and I were successful in nudging our mom to open up to us because we kept her needs, wants, and feelings at the forefront of the conversation. We didn’t tell her what to do or pre-suppose, instead we asked her to share her thoughts and experiences. We validated her feelings and experiences and gauged where we could poke or challenge her a bit more, and where it was best to simply acknowledge and let her comments land.
For example, within the category of future living arrangements, invite your parents to share specific features they love and treasure about their current home. Think about the number of windows and level of light, where the bedrooms and bathrooms are located in relation to the kitchen and living areas, how many sets of stairs there are, and the size of the rooms. What items or features of the home are easily accessible? Which brings me to takeaway number two. Encourage conversation not around specific memories or events that took place in the home but examine the layout of the home through a design and accessibility lens. As our bodies age we want to be able to maneuver easily through spaces, so by viewing the space via a design or layout perspective, you’ll be able to better identify what spaces work well and what spaces may need to be altered.
It may be more of a challenge to get your parents to discuss less appreciated features of their living space, especially if they haven’t moved in more than a decade. They’re probably used to the little quirks and potential hazards of their home, yet you can use your powers of observation and listening to see the spaces that are hard for them to reach or navigate, such as the stairs, high cabinets, or out-of-sight storage spaces. In the show notes, I’ve linked a tip sheet for those thinking of aging-in-place. Modifications to a home for safety and ease of use are encouraged as folks age, and so seek out an aging-in-place specialist through the National Association of Home Builders or chat with a professional organizer who specializes in working with older adults. There are lots of simple, cool new innovations that can be blended into a space, if desired.
Give the conversations time and breathing room. This is about thinking and looking ahead a handful of years or more. With my mother, we joked that she’d be living with me, so that became fodder for discussion when she could no longer live safely on her own. Ask questions that start with the word “if.” For example, “If you were to stop driving, what would be your plan for getting around?” Allow your loved ones to think through how they’d maneuver. Would they use public transportation? Do they have the budget to hire a driver? Were they just assuming you’d step in and take them to appointments? The key isn’t to land on specific decisions but to help them decide what reality would dictate for them. Ask if they’d be willing to have someone come into the home and provide medication or housekeeping support? Ask where they’d prefer to live if a health decline necessitated that they move. These are all hypotheticals, yet for you, they give you more insight into their feelings, desires, and perhaps their expectations of you.
Lastly, the third takeaway is to keep the conversation moving every few months or a few times a year. If their health is intact, discuss whether they have an estate plan and what they’d like you to do if anything changes. Offer to locate a lawyer to draw up a will and powers of attorney. Tell them that you want these details planned while all is well so that if or when things become stressful, you know exactly what they want. You then get to decide how much you’re willing to do in the future based on the data you’ve collected. There’s no right answer, and by defining clear action steps and by walking alongside them through the aging process, you’ll be maintaining their agency and voice as originally intended. You’re more organized than you think, and this pre-planning encourages them to be as well.
The formal conversation with my mother took place one afternoon. I decided to stay a few days to map out a plan for finances, look at her paperwork piles, gather the contact information for her friends, and begin to think through the decluttering process. My brother and I had decided that the minimum we’d communicate was that it was no longer safe for her to live independently. All the decisions and directions for the conversation that followed would be led by her. My sister-in-law joined us as a neutral observer to record my mother’s ideas and wishes. We wanted to be able to show her documentation of what she had decided in the future, as her memory was unreliable. It also allowed my brother and I to focus on showing our concern with compassion.
Centering your parents’ wishes first will allow you to make informed decisions from a place of integrity later. Their wishes may be grander than their budget allows, yet you’ll have guidance on the highlights and key elements they’d like to prioritize. Their wishes may include you as the primary caregiver, yet then you’ll be able to decide if that’s a task you’re willing to accept. Discussing their future care isn’t easy. Take solace in the fact that this process is repeated generation after generation, and that both you and they are always doing your best. This is what’s most important to remember. Talk to y’all soon.
Outro: Hey y'all, I'd be honored if you'd take three minutes to leave a review of this podcast. Your time is precious and by leaving a review, A Pleasant Solution will reach more listeners and lives. I'd also love to hear your feedback and share your review on a future episode. Talk to y'all soon and remember, you’re more organized than you think.
