29 | An Introduction to The Fair Play Method
29 | An Introduction to The Fair Play Method
I’m genuinely excited to bring you today’s topic, an introduction to The Fair Play Method. Eve Rodsky developed this unique time and anxiety-saving systematic approach to the labor we all perform within our homes. The Fair Play Method is a card trading game that forms the basis for discussing who does what within the domestic sphere.
So on today’s episode, I’ll outline a few of the key concepts of Fair Play, including why it’s important for one person to fully own a task, what changes when you value the invisible work within your home, and how communication and accountability come into play when sharing the chore load within the household.
Tune in to to learn about how to lighten your mental load and a few key concepts behind The Fair Play Method. I’ll also share ways I have shifted the division of labor in my household and its positive effects on my relationship.
Are you excited to learn more about the Fair Play Method? Tune into next week’s episode to learn more about the rules of the game and how it’s played.
MENTIONED:
The Fair Play Website
RESOURCE:
Ready to lighten your mental + emotional load?
Download your Fair Play Cards + Activity Guide + join my email community.
FEATURED ON THE SHOW:
Come say hello on Instagram
Follow me on Facebook
See what I’m up to on LinkedIn
Join my workshops.
LIKE THIS EPISODE?
I invite you to share, rate, review and follow my show. Also, join the conversation by connecting with me on Instagram @apleasantsolution.
-
Intro: Welcome to a Pleasant Solution, Embracing An Organized Life. I'm your host, certified life coach, professional organizer and home life expert, Amelia Pleasant Kennedy. I help folks permanently eliminate clutter in their homes and lives. On this podcast, we'll go beyond the basics of home organization to talk about why a clutter-free mindset is essential to an aligned and sustainable lifestyle. If you're someone with a to-do list, if you're managing a household and if you're caring for others, this podcast is for you. Let's dive in.
Amelia: Welcome to Episode 29, “An Introduction to The Fair Play Method.” Hey, y’all. I’m truly excited to bring you today’s topic. I’ve mentioned Fair Play on the podcast before, however, on today’s episode we’ll begin to dive into the specific concepts a bit further. There’s plenty to address and break down, so please expect this to be a recurring topic on the podcast. Creating equity within the home benefits us all, and I think the more folks engage in difficult discussions around the limitations that exist for both men and women in our homes, the better we’ll all fare.
If you’re unfamiliar, The Fair Play Method was developed by Eve Rodsky. It’s a time and anxiety-saving systematic approach to the labor we all perform within the home. It’s a card trading game that forms the basis for discussions around who does what within the domestic sphere. Eve has written two books (thus far) that tell both her own story, and that share the results of her research around gender roles within the home. Both books are New York Times bestsellers, and last year, Eve partnered with Hello Sunshine and Jennifer Beale Newsome to produce a documentary about Fair Play. I overheard a patron sharing her story with Fair Play this past week at the nail salon.
I read Fair Play: A Game Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live) when it first came out. Like many, I felt seen, heard, and validated. However, it wasn’t until early 2022 that I learned about her Facilitator training. A colleague posted in a Facebook group looking for a Certified Facilitator, and I immediately investigated, then enrolled in the Fair Play training program. I was already implementing her ideas in my relationship, and the Facilitator program aligned with and bolstered the work I was already helping clients with through my one-to-one coaching program.
Eve’s system makes total sense to me, AND I think it’s easy to read the book and continue living life without implementing changes. There are areas of the work that I’ll break down on this podcast that require vulnerability, self-reflection, and hard conversations with others, so if you’ve felt stuck in inaction, I see you. I’ll aim to bridge the divide a bit, and as always, don’t hesitate to connect with me directly if you have specific questions about the Fair Play Method or are interested in hosting a workshop.
So, on today’s episode, I’ll outline a few of the key concepts behind the Fair Play Method including why it’s important for one person to fully own a task, what changes when you value the invisible work within your home, and how communication and accountability come into play when sharing the chore load within a household. Again, this is an introduction. On the next episode I’ll share a bit more about the rules of the game and how it’s actually played.
Please note that I’ll be using words like “care tasks,” “chores,” “household responsibilities,” and “tasks” interchangeably. Care tasks can involve children, other adults, seniors, pets, or any other relationship that involves compassion, planning, and follow through. If giving a statistic, I’ll try my best to identify whether it’s a universal one, a stat relative to cis-gender heteronormative relationships, same-sex partnerships, or a partnership style of a different design. All are welcome here, so please feel free to adjust my language to fit your home and lifestyle. Also, Fair Play is for everyone who’s living with or sharing responsibilities with another human being. It’s as much about communication and expectations as it is about the actual workload. There are lots of modifications available, and I encourage you to explore the variety of adaptations folks are creating around neurodiversity, co-parenting, multi-generational living, etc. I’m currently in a long-distance parenting relationship, so my husband and I divide tasks in a way that creates more equity for us across two households.
For the last few generations, women have been noticing, commenting on, and vocalizing the need for more help with care tasks around the home. You may be one of them. The division of labor within a household isn’t a new topic, and recently, the research regarding the domestic sphere, women’s work, and the “second shift” has been blossoming. The topic is interwoven with the feminist movement, and it's essential to the advancement (and retention) of women in the workforce. In the future I’ll be having more conversations with experts around this topic, and perhaps Eve will grant me an interview too
So, what’s the core issue? The unequal division of household labor is widespread, and it disproportionately affects women. Women are raised to be always noticing what needs to be done, taking the emotional temperature of others, and making sure that life within the home moves forward in a seamless way. This can often lead to burnout and resentment, and it puts a strain on relationships. Much of the work is invisible to others in the household. For example, I find that I’m the default “coffee manager” in our household. Early in our marriage, my husband would wake up early and make the first pot of coffee. We both LOVE coffee, and we both get up early. Sometimes he’d nearly finish a pot, leaving me with the dredges. Now, he didn’t mean to be insensitive or uncaring, he simply wasn’t raised to notice what those socialized as women already know… that an empty pot either gets washed OR it gets refilled. There are next steps for that empty pot. The coffee filter needs to be emptied and the water tank needs to be refilled.
Before my knowledge of Fair Play, my way of adjusting our system was to swap out the drip coffee maker for the single service Nespresso maker. However, this didn’t solve the problem fully, because every household task has multiple (again, often hidden) steps. I was still the one responsible for noticing when we were low on coffee pods, the one who ordered the next shipment, the one who emptied the used pod receptacle in the machine, cleaned it, and mailed the used pods off for recycling. Keeping track of the coffee maker takes up space in my brain and takes time out of my day. It doesn’t take up space in my husband’s brain, nor does it take time out of his day. This is the central issue. Caring for the coffee maker and ensuring that we both have access to the coffee we love ISN’T dependent on our gender. He’s equally capable of executing the steps, yet when I am, by default, the person who monitors and owns tasks related to the coffee maker, I’m carrying the mental load. Because I haven’t brought this to his attention AND because he wasn’t raised to notice all the small details with running a household, the task remains invisible to him. His mental load is lighter by one task unless a conversation happens around this one specific task.
What I’m describing here with the coffee maker is called “ownership.” Eve has identified three steps involved in ensuring that a chore, like maintaining the coffee supply, gets done start to finish. The first is conception. This is the phase where I notice things related to the coffee maker: I notice that we’re running low on coffee pods, I notice that the used coffee pod container needs to be empty, or I notice that it’s been a few months since I’ve last run the descaling solution through the Nespresso. The second step is planning. This is the phase where I ask my husband if he wants a different coffee blend, or I plan time on my schedule to clean the coffee maker. The final step is execution. This is the phase where I actively order the coffee pods, actively empty the used pod container, or refill the water tank, or actively run the descaling cleaning solution.
Ownership of a task means that one person maintains the coffee maker from start to finish. One person notices what needs to be done, plans time to follow through, then actually does the work. In a traditional, more typical, delegation scenario, one person notices what needs to be done then they ask someone else to follow through. Delegation around home tasks proves to be ineffective however, because research has shown that carrying the mental load is where much of the brain drain, physical and mental exhaustion occurs. EVEN IF your partner volunteers (or is volun-told) to order the coffee pods, all the other aspects of maintaining the coffee may fall back on you. Splitting a task amongst two individuals is something the Fair Play Method advises against. Transferring full ownership or swapping tasks is the more effective alternative.
One goal of Fair Play is to regularly swap tasks or transfer ownership so that one person doesn’t get stuck doing the same dull, energy-draining tasks over and over. You know the ones: the dishes, the laundry, watching the kids… It’s our thoughts about these “daily grinds” that lead to resentment, irritation, and aggravation. In my head it sounds like, “Ugh. We both like coffee, so why am I the only one who notices… I’ve got so many other more important things to do…” By acknowledging, discussing, and trading ownership over a task, you and your housemates (including kids!) actively share the load and create more mental space. This mental space allows YOU to prioritize rest, creativity, and leisure more often. I’m going to pause for a moment and encourage you to visualize one task that you “own” completely. Imagine passing it off to another member of your household. What feelings come up for you when you think about not having to own any part of that task for a few weeks?
Fair Play is all about valuing each individual person’s time equally. Eve states in the book, “You deserve to own your time and your life like the CEO you are. You deserve to feel supported and respected by your partner, not judged, nagged, or micromanaged. You deserve a true partnership, both at home and in life." For some of you, that may feel more like a dream than a possibility. Yet, as I tell my clients, shifting and rebalancing the load around housework happens one conversation at a time. It’s not instant change, yet transferring ownership of just a few tasks can make an impact on the day-to-day lived experience within your home.
The unpaid, unseen tasks you do around the house MATTER. They matter to you. They matter to others. They’re as valuable as paid working hours because each task takes time. Neither my husband nor I HAS to maintain the coffee maker, but we’ve determined that it’s essential to our days. Coffee helps us function, and it brings us joy. We both value coffee, so there’s absolutely no reason why caring for the machine would default to one of us over the other. None.
Having an explicit conversation around this one task changes everything. It takes the emotion out of the task. No longer is it about “me and my time” and instead it’s about “who’s making sure that there’s always coffee” this month. I know it seems like a simplistic example, but the beauty of Fair Play is that it allows both the daily, mundane tasks like coffee, and the sparkly, shiny tasks like planning our next vacation be rooted in the same conversational structure. It takes away the need to grit your teeth around being the “only one” who notices what needs to be done and shifts tasks into the light of day by identifying exactly WHY any one person should dedicate their precious time to the task. Gender no longer becomes the default factor, nor does the way in which you were raised count as a fallback excuse.
So, to recap, it’s important for one person to fully own a household task like meal planning, car maintenance, screen time for kiddos, or feeding the pet because it actually creates LESS work overall. Not having to think about something getting done is one of the beautiful results. Ownership empowers one person with clear and explicit expectations and lightens the mental load for the other. Every so often you swap. This ensures everyone in the household knows how to meal plan, maintain the car, set the screen time for kiddos, and how to feed your pet. Anyone can do it. On a future episode I’ll share more about getting everyone on the same page around completing a task from start to finish.
I believe the golden benefit of the Fair Play Method is rooted in the communication skills that it encourages folks to re-ignite. When my husband and I first started dating, we talked about everything. That’s the initial connection that brings partners together: shared interests and your styles of communication around those interests. Then, as our partnerships settle into the habits and patterns of living together, our type of communication shifts. Fair Play allows you to get curious again. For example, I didn’t start drinking coffee until I had children. I didn’t drink it as a teenager, nor did I drink it in college. My grandmother, whom I adored, and my other family members all drink their coffee black. I do too. I have a story around my coffee habits, and naturally, my husband does too. When you sit down (or take a walk or a long drive) and begin to chat about the humanity behind the tasks in your home, a new understanding can emerge. Talking about coffee – or any other care task – may seem odd, but it helps you know your partner on a deeper level. By sharing your needs and perspectives with your partner, you both better connect with that initial, shared vision for your home.
Communication and accountability are key to creating and maintaining a fair partnership. By openly discussing your feelings, documenting your agreements, and following through on your commitments, you and your partner build trust and mutual respect. Beginning the process isn’t always easy as the current division of labor in your home most likely benefits one partner more than the other. My husband now sees that it benefits him to lighten my mental load. I’m able to pursue my work more fully. I’m more enjoyable to be around. I have more to talk about than simply household logistics because I have free time to read, take walks, and explore art. He was a capable, independent human before we met AND he’s highly successful in his career. Taking on more of the domestic load benefits him because he’s more connected with our kids and their activities, he’s more aware of all that goes into running a household, and he isn’t pigeonholed in the ways that he contributes to the running of our household.
One of the best questions to consider when beginning your Fair Play journey is, “What is the shared mission or vision for our household?” Both you and your partner have underlying core values and a purpose for being together, and it goes beyond always having coffee being available. Give some space and time for this question. Reflect on it as individuals before you discuss. It’s a great foundation for clearing the slate from past resentments or bitterness. Of course, I’ll always recommend couples therapy if deep healing is needed.
Learning to listen to one another, share your truth around the load that you’re carrying, all without making the other person wrong for any past mistakes or patterns they’ve fallen into is a huge step. There’s so much time ahead for changes and adjustments, so I’ll encourage you to consider starting anew from the present. How do you want your chore load to feel over the next year or decade? This is the bigger picture for your life at home, and you get to decide when you’re ready to rebalance the load within your home.
Join me next week as I dive into the rules of the Fair Play game and its ultimate goal. Talk to y’all soon.
Outro: Hey y'all, my monthly second Friday's workshop series is here. Join me on the second Friday of every month in 2023 for a practical no frills, come as you are hour of teaching and coaching, I'll show you exactly how I handle one area of home organization. Then the floor will be open for questions and coaching. We'll troubleshoot what's feeling challenging for you and get you unstuck on the spot. Find out more and register at apleasantsolution.com/workshops or via Instagram. Can't wait to meet you.!
