01 | You are More Than Your Stuff
01 | You Are More Than Your Stuff
In this episode, I talk about a central topic of decluttering: why you feel connected to items you own.
It's normal to feel strong emotions about your home. However, the organization and design of your space are morally neutral. We use invented societal standards to judge ourselves and our homes. But you are more than your stuff. It's necessary to unlearn this way of thinking and embrace that your things are just things; they aren’t who you are.
If you find it difficult to let go of what you own, I'll invite you to get curious about the stories of your past that may be tying you to your belongings. Your stuff does not control you.
In addition, I explain the three key reasons you feel a deep connection to items.By exploring the stories and your emotions, you'll be in a better position to make space for your future life ahead. Press play to learn more and begin embracing a new way of thinking about what you own and how you view your living spaces.
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Intro: Welcome to A Pleasant Solution, Embracing an Organized Life. I'm your host, certified life coach, professional organizer, and home life expert, Amelia Pleasant Kennedy, and I help folks permanently eliminate clutter in their homes and lives. On this podcast, we'll go beyond the basics of home organization to talk about why a clutter-free mindset is essential to an aligned and sustainable lifestyle. If you're someone with a to-do list, if you're managing a household and if you're caring for others, this podcast is for you. Let's dive in.
Amelia: Welcome to episode one: “You Are More Than Your Stuff.” I'm so glad you're here. One of the most common refrains, the professional organizers here, when they walk into someone's home is, “I know it's bad. I haven't cleaned up. This is probably the worst mess you've ever seen.” I get it. Inviting a stranger into the private spaces of your home is daunting. For some, it's deeply uncomfortable. You may hesitate to invite family and friends to visit for fear of being judged for the state of your space. Opening the door feels like you're exposing all the bits and pieces of your life's journey. Each item has a story. Others of you listening may revel in hosting family and friends and others having them over. You take pride in how tidy the public-facing areas of your home are. It seems like a reflection of how you have it all together and are meeting the unwritten standard of the way a home should look and be kept.
However, today's message is you and the state of your home or the amount of stuff that you own, those are morally neutral issues. One is not greater than the other. We've simply been sent lots of messages from our families and our communities that there's a hierarchy of home maintenance and home organization. In this episode, I'm going to begin to share why you and your belongings feel connected to one another, but in actuality are separate. This topic is central to the decluttering process and why some of us find it easier to let go of objects and others of us need more time and more support when decluttering. In future episodes, you'll hear me return to this topic again and again. It involves the unlearning of the standards and expectations society has imposed upon us, and it involves the learning of a new way of thinking about what you own and how you view your living spaces.
So to give you an overview of where we're heading, I'll share three reasons why you may feel deeply connected to the items in your home and life, and trust me, you're not alone. The first is that the objects we own seem useful and necessary. The second is that they connect us to the past through story. The third is that the objects we own seem to tell our story to others. So let's start with reason one. The objects we own seem useful and necessary. Each of us develops a fondness or preference for certain tools we use or maybe even the decorative styles for our space. When my children were little, I bought an expensive juicer. It pureed fruit. It separated the pulp and gave us fresh juice. The juice was absolutely delicious. It tasted similar to the kinds you can buy at a natural food store.
Yet the juicer itself was bulky. It only had a few parts, but it couldn't keep it on a lower shelf because the blades were sharp. It took up a good deal of space in my pantry. It also wasn't super easy to clean. I learned a few tricks to make the process easier, but overall, the juicer was more work than it was worth. The quantity of fresh fruits and vegetables I had to purchase was enormous. Plus then I had to wash them and store them, and of course use them. Even though I loved the results of the fresh juice. Let's be honest, it was delicious. I reached a point where it didn't make sense to continue producing fresh juice, in my mind, at least. I noticed the tension I felt when a kid would ask me for juice, I wanted to make it work, but my dedication was waning.
How long do you think it took for me to let go of the juicer? Years. It was useful. I'd invested in it. It worked well. When I used it, I liked it. I'd spent the money on it. So if I was to let it go, then want it again. I'd have to respend the money. See, you may think professional organizers are magical unicorns that can separate from what they own, but I'm telling you, we're just real humans who've gotten really good at digging a little deeper into these mysteries that I'll be covering on this podcast. When something is useful, it appears to be necessary. Your brain will come up with lots of reasons why having it around is super important. Objects that we own actually grow in value in our minds. Possessing something makes it valuable. This is the source of the thought. I might need it one day. You have it, you should keep it.
Letting it go seems backward and foolish. It doesn't immediately make rational sense. Yet you are not your stuff. My juicer doesn't have feelings, but I do. My juicer could care less of whether it was in my pantry, back in the box, in the factory, or living in, let's say your house. It knows that it's separate from me. However, the threads and thoughts in my brain connect me to it, so I invite you to consider what's your juicer? What's one object that you're holding onto because it's useful or necessary and you might need it one day, let's say. When I work with clients, we get curious about those threads and thoughts that are tying us to the items that we own. You can do this too. Get curious. Describe for yourself the future moment in time where you'll actually need that juicer or whatever your item might be.
Ask yourself how likely that scenario might be. Ask yourself whether you'd want this exact item in that moment. Ask yourself whether this item is earning its place in your home until that very unlikely time in the future where you'll choose to use it. The key is to see exactly how your brain is making the object important and needed. You are convincing yourself that it's a necessary part of your life. The second reason why you and your belongings feel connected is because each object connects us to the past via a story. I no longer own the juicer yet I can tell you its story. I can tell you when I owned it and who I was at that moment in time.
I grew up in rural West Virginia. My mother's ancestors immigrated to the area and lived on a series of small farms. We didn't live on a farm when I was little, but many of the items that decorated my childhood home had journeyed with my ancestors from Europe. One item was a beautiful handmade spinning wheel. If you go to my website and find the blog with the title, you are Not Your Stuff. You can see a picture of this spinning wheel. The wheel itself had a diameter of about four feet. It was sizeable. It sat in the corner of the entryway of my childhood home and later occupied the same space in my adult home. The wheel was attached to the base by a hairpin. The entire piece was relatively delicate.
My mother told me how the wheel had never been broken. Now, imagine a mother saying that. She put the fear of life in me around this legend. The spinning wheel had come from Europe to America on a boat in the early 1800s. It survived farms and moves. If I broke the wheel, oh my. Yeah, so being the loving mother that I am, I passed the story onto my three children. They'd run and run in circles around the stairwell, and I'd remind them the wheel had never been broken. My mother had been raised to be connected to the spinning wheel, and so had I. I raised my kids in the same way. The story was woven into the object. It seemed that the spinning wheel itself was my connection to the past, the connection to the ancestors on that side of my family. I'm half black, I'm half white.
However, you are probably listening as an objective observer and thinking, yeah, I wouldn't decorate my house with a spinning wheel, and that's excellent insight for you. You have no connection to my family, my story, nor the spinning wheel. It would be easy for you to decide to donate it. That distance that you're observing in yourself right now is exactly why professional organizers are able to help you declutter your space. We are not intimately tied by story to your items or your past. Only you are. So again, I invite you to consider what's your spinning wheel. Perhaps it's a T-shirt from a rock concert or a letter that someone sent you or an item of clothing before your body became the shape it is today.
Or even a set of china that you know is valuable but honestly will never use because hand washing is a pain. Notice the story you have about the object. Notice the ways that it ties you to the past, even perhaps the version of you from the past. Just notice you don't have to make a decision today about that item. Just notice all the thoughts and stories you can come up with, most likely without the object being right in front of you. The key here is to witness yourself and the story. Your brain is seeing the object and the memory as one and the same, and the more you pick up or handle an object, the more deeply ingrained the story becomes. To recap, reason one was when an item seems useful and necessary, we convince ourselves we need it. Reason two is that we weave a story into the objects we own, and it can be a challenge to untangle the story. Reason three is that the objects we own seem to tell our story to other people.
At the beginning of this episode, I described two generic categories of people, those who are uncomfortable allowing others into their space for fear of being judged and those who welcome others because they're comfortable being judged. Humans are highly aware of what others think. We want to be accepted. We want to be part of the group. We want others to look favorably upon us, and this equally applies to our homes. My mother, you'll hear me talk about her a lot on this podcast, never loved keeping house. Yet she took immense pride in one of the homes we lived. She helped the builder design it. She furnished it just the way she wanted it. She was able to afford a housekeeper to help maintain it. The home and the objects in it projected to others a particular image about our family. She was more than happy to have others pop by for a visit.
When I was in high school, my parents got divorced, my mother had to downsize. Looking back, I can see now how losing her "dream home" impacted her. She was never really able to grieve the loss of the home or her imagined future. A decade later in a smaller home, she lost interest in maintaining her space. She didn't replace her housekeeper when her housekeeper retired. She'd held on to many of the objects from her larger home, yet she didn't have space for them all. She had no desire to let them go because they were part of her life story. Our life story is a collection of memories and experiences. The objects we own remind us of our journey, both positive and painful. When it comes time for you or a loved one to make decisions about what you own, your brain automatically locates a specific object in time.
It's kind of like a timestamp on a photo. You're able to recall parts of who you were, where you were and when it was. Then you sow that item into the fabric of the story of you. This is the deep connection you are feeling when you're going through the decluttering process, either alone or with support. When I work with clients, we acknowledge our past selves. Then we practice accepting that the past no longer exists. It only exists in our minds, our memories, and the memories of others. We practice looking forward to the days ahead, our future self with future opportunities and possibilities. So I invite you to consider both the past and the future when you make decisions about what you own. Look at the quantity of items you currently possess and ask yourself, do I have room for all that I will create in the future?
Pause and let your response settle. I'll wrap this up by reiterating that you are not your stuff. You are more than your stuff. Yes, you own items. No, they don't control you. You are in charge of each and every item that is in your possession. Practice looking at the stories and relationships you've formed with those items, it's a great exercise in curiosity and can really make an impact as you look forward in time. Well, that's what I've got for you today. It's a great start to our conversation. Next time, I'll share my thoughts on how you are more than your schedule. Talk to y'all soon.
Outro: Hey, y'all, I'd be honored if you'd take three minutes to leave a review of this podcast. Your time is precious, and by leaving a review, A Pleasant Solution will reach more listeners and lives. I'd also love to hear your feedback and share your review on a future episode. Talk to y'all soon and remember, you are more organized than you think.
