Why Our New Normal Doesn't Feel Normal At All
My emotions seem to be erratic and uncontrollable these days, and I imagine that yours are too. Have you awoken with a positive outlook for several days in a row then learned that an acquaintance, close friend, or family member has fallen ill? Have you kept focused on work, homeschooling, exercise, or routine only to wake in the middle of the night unable to return to sleep out of worry? This is the contradiction of our new normal, and it doesn’t feel normal at all. However, I believe lessons on grieving as a transition process can give us insight.
What Coronavirus Grief Looks and Feels Like
Humans are naturally resilient creatures. Yet now that we are unable to shield our children, our elderly, and our businesses from COVID-19’s impact, it feels dramatically different in our bodies. From chest tightness to irritability to deep sadness and an inability to concentrate, we’re still trying to manage our day to day activities alongside pain and loneliness.
We’re both yearning for “the way things were” and looking ahead, searching for the end to be in sight. The news media is filled with ever-changing data while our social media is simultaneously filled with hope and deeply personal stories.
It’s the varied intensity of this emotional roller coaster that defines the COVID-related grief you may be feeling.
R.O. Kwan describes her experience in the NYT opinion article entitled, “I’m Grieving During the Coronavirus Pandemic. You May Be, Too,” and many of her observations can apply to us all.
But then it occurred to me, as I ate another astringent chip, that this lassitude, the trouble focusing, the sleep difficulties, my exhaustion: Oh yes, I thought, I remember this. I was grieving. I was grieving in early March, I’m still grieving now, and chances are, you are, too.
R.O. Kwan
For me, my emotional moments come in waves: lack of motivation then intense motivation. I’ve always been a light sleeper but it’s been hard to sleep in the latter part of the night lately. My mind shifts from guilt and shame about our relative financial security to a sense of deep purpose and a commitment to support the Detroit community in which I live.
I have fear for my mother’s physical and mental health, because she is in assisted living. I cannot visit her. But my thoughts settle when I consider the great sacrifices of those who diligently show up to work day in and out. It’s a game of mental chess we’re each playing that will have lasting effects as the days move forward.
Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance are the 5 stages of grief.
Kübler-Ross Model & 5 Stages of Grief
The 5 Stages of Grief outlined in Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’s book On Death and Dying are denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance. As a society we will transition through these stages during the next year of Covid-19 exposure, and most likely cycle back through them again.
We’ve begun to mourn for our jobs knowing that employment security is a thing of the past. Teleworking has new found benefits but the challenge of separating work and home is ever-present. Finding quiet places to focus and be productive seems impossible. The heavy burden of wondering if other family members’ education, physical, and mental health are on track is one neither you nor I asked for.
Our thoughts feel scattered, and we’re trying our best to keep our emotions from overwhelming us.
We’re angry about Covid’s impact on our financial stability, the disruption of milestones like birthdays and graduation, and the loss our time decompressing with friends.
Even though we know that staying home reduces the transmission, it’s the unknown length of this pandemic and when we’ll be able to return to “normal” that depresses us. Each of us will continue to negotiate with reality because acceptance of this new normal feels too much like giving up.
But hiding our coronavirus grief from others won’t bring us relief. Nor will trying to swallow it down or covering it over. We cannot control the global circumstances, but we can shift to contribute our time, energy, and resources to our communities. If we take time to acknowledge and accept our thoughts and feelings, in all their volatile forms, we will be able to build one another up bit by bit.
By embracing and engaging the bargaining stage of the grieving process, we will move forward. This means reaching out to listen to others. Share your Covid stories with all their emotional flaws. Every one of us is struggling to find meaning in this pandemic. Your story shares similar threads with those around you.
Find the courage to be vulnerable, listen closely to those with whom you may not typically agree, and use compassion and empathy to build deeper connections. Through this giant life transition, we have the opportunity to emerge a more self-aware and community-minded people.
