What We Receive as Caregivers
How could caring for a loved one be more about what we receive than what we give? My mother often calls me several times a day to say hello or to ask a question that is top of mind for her at any given moment. I am her active memory, and she leans on my remembering to jumpstart hers. She’ll call to list the items she needs so that I can add them to my grocery list. She’ll call to discuss current events and check whether we’re venturing out. I’ll remind her the pandemic prevents us from doing so. She’ll call to ask about my kids and whether they’re back in school. Then, she’ll repeat.
Her short-term memory is fairly short; she won’t remember that she’s called or that we’ve just spoken about a particular topic. I often generate patience throughout my day to focus on being present with her each time she calls. In this way, I am growing my capacity to love, and to be willing to walk alongside of her.
My mother Janice and I. Circa 2007.
The term caregiver indicates that we’re always giving. We’re physically helping. We’re listening and supporting. We’re chauffeuring. We’re managing finances and making appointments. We’re regularly taking deep breaths in moments of distress. All of these efforts are part of the caregiving reality.
I would argue, however, that there’s a benefit in shifting our perspective away from how we’re constantly giving to others. Moving towards a perspective of personal growth and evolution lends additional fuel and energy for the journey ahead.
What is this arrangement trying to teach me?
By applying Carol Dweck’s concept of a growth mindset to caregiving, we open ourselves to all that we are learning along the way. For example, managing a loved one’s finances may lead us to be more cognizant of our own saving. Perhaps you discover that your loved one had a different approach to record keeping, investments, and debt than yours.
It may take years to wrap up their financial missteps, however, it’s an evergreen reminder of how attention to detail and how a careful spending plan during midlife may lead to smoother retirement years.
My mother never expected to require assisted living. Like all of us, she imagined aging-in-place for the remainder of her years. Her budget was stable, and her debt was minimal. She was a homeowner. However, as her memory began to slip, she kept less and less clear records of where her money was kept and how her bills were paid.
Paperwork began to pile up and needed to be sorted through to locate her resources. This led to a lesson in diligence: record keeping must be organized, sustainable throughout the decades, and transparent. It also must be shared with at least one other set of eyes.
It’s challenging for us all to accept aging. However, caring for others presents us with the opportunity to consider our own. What do you want your retirement years to look like? How can you be clearer about your own monthly and yearly budgeting to ensure savings for your last decades? What role does an estate planner have in your life?
Caretaking puts these types of questions front and center. We’re able to simultaneously support our aging parents as they work through the answers and begin to apply the lessons learned for ourselves.
Becoming a caregiver has also taught me about time and energy management. I am more proactive with what commitments I choose to accept. Caregiving has empowered me to think carefully about each hour of my day.
I plan more intentionally. I see my restorative time — whether it’s exercise or other forms of self care — as a necessity. My weekly schedule has dedicated blocks of time to spend with my mother and on managing her household. Separate blocks exist for my children and my household. I journal my thoughts so that I sleep better at night.
It’s an important step to recognize that the pace with which you parented, worked, or socialized before caregiving may change. It’s possible that the change of pace will be a relief.
When you identify your current priorities and then constrain to the tasks to which you can reasonably commit, you will release some of the guilt and pressure you put upon yourself. This is gift of time and presence.
Focusing your energy on what is absolutely necessary week to week highlights exactly what moves you and your family forward. Distractions are lessened and you’ll find yourself letting go of what doesn’t currently fit your lifestyle.
Looking for evidence of how I’ve grown as a woman, a mother, and a daughter has helped me shift away from the thought of caregiving as a fixed responsibility and more into caregiving as a choice. It allows me to see how I’m contributing to her life, as well as the ways in which she is contributing to mine.
Our roles, our interactions, our intertwined realities become much more balanced this way. It’s less about constantly giving (which could lead to resentment) and more about living into the best possible qualities for myself. I encourage you to do the same by considering how your capabilities have changed.
I am unclear about the paths down which my mother’s dementia will take us. However, I’m confident that she will continue to teach me day in and day out. Together we are learning to let go of our expectations of one another. We are learning to stay focused on the moment. The details of what happened when are less relevant than happiness and joy.
We dwell more on what’s happening right now and in the upcoming week than any other time. This is humbling.
Applying a growth mindset centers our minds to all that we can handle and all that we can learn from one another. When moments of frustration or overwhelm arise in your caregiving relationship, take a moment to ask yourself, “What is this moment trying to teach me?”
By reframing the obstacle or pending decision as a learning opportunity, you’ll begin to see the possible solutions and right answers. You’ll feel less drained from giving and more empowered to move forward from all that you’ve gained.
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