Finding Beauty in Life's 50/50

Whenever I complained, my grandmother always replied, “whoever said life was supposed to be fair?” Although we learn many lessons in our transition from youth to adulthood, we often fail to truly adopt the idea that life is 50 percent positive and 50 percent negative. We deceive ourselves by promoting the expectation that if we work hard enough, achieve our standard of financial success, or meet the right life partner, that we’ll reach a moment where happiness exceeds the sourness in life. There’s a beauty to be found in life’s 50/50, but it may be different from the story of happily ever after that we tell ourselves.

Don’t be fooled, I’m an optimist. I believe we must seek out the beauty and sunshine in our daily lives. However, moving towards an acceptance of how an equal part of our lives involves negative emotions would neutralize how awful the terrible part may be. By expecting and normalizing illness, emergencies, death, and our occasional use of poor judgment, we would be in a better position to manage the feelings that arise when something unplanned occurs.

Why the 50/50 Matters

When’s the last time you were knocked down by uncertainty? 

For every one of us, this pandemic qualifies. There were very few humans in 2020 that expected a pandemic to impact our daily lives; it seems like something from another century for sure.

It is a circumstance that we’ve all had to accept in one way or another. From wearing masks to pivoting in our work lives, we’ve either resisted against the pandemic’s presence or we’ve moved to think of how we can incorporate it into our daily lives.

The main difference between those of us who’ve resisted and those of who’ve accepted the pandemic is our thoughts. Acceptance allows us to see the available possibilities in our situation.

An example of this may be greater compassion for those of us living paycheck to paycheck or a recognition of the blessings we currently have. Some of us have discovered new avenues for making money, learned new skills, and reconnected with family over video chat. Some folks are choosing to think, “I will move forward no matter what.” Those who’ve come to terms with the uncertainty surrounding this pandemic have indeed moved forward.

Resistance closes our minds off and keeps us safe. I experienced this firsthand with my mother’s dementia diagnosis. It took me a handful of years to accept full responsibility for her (and my) new reality. I had noticed the changes, the memory slips, the lack of initiative creeping into her mind, but I had no idea what to do. I didn’t have a road map, I didn’t have friends who’d been through the same experience, so I just tucked my observations away in the back of my mind. I didn’t work to answer the numerous questions in my mind.

That would be acknowledging that the painful 50 percent of life was about to plant a firm foothold in my life.

As I the pressure in my own heart and mind grew, I knew I needed to create space for the numerous emotions – fear, sorrow, anxiety – that I were coming in waves. I was uncertain of where she and I were headed, nor did I know how we’d get there. It took time to process the emotions and accept our new, unpredictable reality. But I had faith in us and our ability to make decisions from a place of love.

Recognizing the 50 percent of life that is challenging, uncomfortable, and difficult broadened my perception of the 50 percent of life that is glorious.

My brother Zach has been a supportive listener in this process and our relationship has expanded. I’ve learned to prioritize my time even more fully than I had before her diagnosis.

I’m innovating in my business to build a financial foundation to provide for her care. I’ve eliminated negative self-talk, made time for exercise and selfcare so that I show up for my mother and my family in the best of spirits.

I’ve made it my mission to guide other women caregivers to declutter, downsize their homes and schedules, so they may prioritize too.

Insisting that life should be different than it currently is also expends a lot of mental and emotional energy. When we put too much pressure on ourselves to see life as overly positive, we dilute the breadth of the human experience. If life was consistently rosy, we’d lose the motivation to strive for more or to become a more evolved version of ourselves. Our emotions would fall flat due to lack of contrast. We would seek more thrill and danger.

The Benefits of Balance

It’s difficult to keep natural disasters from occurring, it’s futile to try to control the lifespan of those we love, and it’s useless to wish for the pandemic (or dementia) to go away. My attitude is not a defeatist one, nor should yours be. It would be more productive for us to celebrate our wins and challenge ourselves to see the minor and major bumps of life’s journey as an opportunity for personal growth.

We all have the ability to do hard things. Accepting the 50 percent of life that brings sadness, frustration, anger, and pain creates a vibrant contrast to the moments of joy. Occasionally, my mother will call me out of the blue to say, “thank you for helping me.” She’ll tell a funny story, a joke, or a memory that’s popped into her mind. We’ll spend time talking about how 2020 and the pandemic are “the worst,” then we’ll remind one another that Anne Frank secluded herself for 761 days during WWII. My mother will empathize about homeschooling my children.

She’ll remind me that at least it’s not a classroom of 25 kids, and that this time will disappear in a blink of an eye. It’s a slight perspective shift that brings the positive 50 percent into clearer view.

I understand that it can be difficult to shift your view in the midst of a crisis. Start by asking yourself, “What is this moment trying to teach me? How can I process these painful feelings and make this moment work for me?”

Know that it’s okay to take a step back, slow down, and allow for compassion. Shift from being defensive or trying to control the uncertainty to allowing it as a normal part of life. You’re stronger and more resilient than you believe, and by being willing to experience discomfort, you’ll recognize everyday beauty that much more.

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