3 Steps to Declutter Your Heart

Love is always the best option. For me, it’s warm, comforting, and calming. It’s a feeling tied to respect and personal safety. Sometimes it’s ridiculously easy to access the feeling of love, and other times it requires a little extra focus. This is because our thoughts drive our feelings. The people in our lives and the circumstances that surround us trigger these thoughts, and our power lies in how we choose to think and feel about them. If we experience life in a more passive way (without directing our thoughts), we build belief systems about ourselves and others. These beliefs can keep us hurt, stuck, in pain. Taking time to declutter your heart will lift you up and help create space to move you forwards.

Let Your Past Go

Most likely you are holding tightly to one or more stories about your past. Perhaps it’s a story of trauma, failure, embarrassment, or deep shame. You may not reference it often, but when something sparks the memory (the thought), a rush of intense feeling returns. We imagine that we’re experiencing the difficult situation all over again.

One story about my past that I’d been telling myself was that I “failed” getting my Ph.D. I barely completed a single semester of work. Before I reshaped my belief about that period of my life, looked at it from a different perspective, and let it go, I felt shame from the thought that I’d failed.  However, when I lay out the facts objectively, I realized that I took a risk, tried my best, survived the risk, learned many things, and actively chose to leave my Ph.D. program. 

In reality, I’d applied to Northwestern and was accepted into a group of 6 in the Department of Art History. I deferred the program for a year by choice (I was pregnant). When it was time, I packed up our apartment, shipped our car from Boston to Chicago, and moved with our 18-month-old daughter to a two-bedroom apartment in Evanston.

I enrolled her in daycare, walked to classes, studied, kept house, cooked food, and raised my daughter – while my husband was finishing his MBA in Boston. I was alone. These are the facts.

I didn’t fail. I’ve decided that it was a worthy attempt at parenting solo. Long distance marriage can be tough, but we made it work. We both tried our best. We decided that upon completion of his MBA we’d reconvene as a family in Detroit.

These are my new thoughts, my new belief about this memory. I’ve decluttered my heart by telling myself that the old “failure” story was a lie. I chose to leave Northwestern. Wishing that that time ended differently won’t serve me; it will just hold me back and make the memory sour. Instead of shame and regret, I can feel pride from the thoughts, “I am bright enough to earn a Ph.D. I am made for hard things.”

My daughter and I, circa 2008.

Self-Appreciation

Once you’ve taken time to reframe the old belief systems and stories that have become habit in your life, you’ll have wiggle room. The clutter will no longer be hiding in the basement, attic, or junk drawers of your soul.

Acknowledging and processing these long-held feelings will be challenging but rewarding. When you’ve been holding onto a story so long, it seems to be part of your identity. Letting it go, item by item, thought by thought will lighten your emotional load.

Bolster yourself and rebuild your heart’s foundation by looking for all the evidence or moments in your life where you’ve shown up and done beautiful work.

Perhaps it’s helping a friend during a crisis, perhaps it’s getting up early to workout, perhaps it’s putting yourself first on occasion. Begin to compile these moments. Write them in a journal. Think as far back into the past as you need. Graduating from high school, paying off a loan, speaking up in an uncomfortable situation – every bit counts as an investment into who you truly are. 

It’s evidence that you are worthy. Your capacity for growth and goodness is infinite. These intentional thoughts, focusing on the accomplishments and successes in your life will spark the feelings of self-love. Taking time to appreciate yourself may feel awkward at first but will become more comfortable as you practice. It’s akin to a newly organized space; you must practice putting items away in their new place in your heart.

Choose Wisely 

Ask yourself, how do I want to feel? How do I want to show up for myself and others? Again, love is always an option. Self-love is rooted in compassion and grace for one’s mistakes, slip ups, stumbles, or struggles.

It’s about recognizing that you made the best decision possible at the time and will make the best decision possible in the future. It’s about holding space in your heart (and in your metaphorical closet) for the person you are becoming.

Self-love is about catching negative self-talk before it has a chance to root itself. Negative thoughts are totally normal. The key is to learn to let them wash over you, to recognize that they are completely optional.

Think carefully about the story you want to create purposeful understanding about a situation. Try to identify the facts and decide intentionally how you want to think, feel, and show up. Don’t invite the clutter of negativity to stay, because there’s no room for it in your newly spacious heart.

How is the holding onto the past holding you back? Share in the comments👇🏽👇🏽.