For many women, our days feel non-stop. From the instant we rise each morning, we assume one or more of our roles: mothers, partners, caretakers, homemakers, executives, and community supporters. It’s also commonplace that those around us act as if we’re always available. As women, it’s taken for granted that our time each day must be endless. This wasn’t the case when I was single and without children. Each day I had working hours. I also had non-working and leisure hours. The requests on my time only came pouring in the more I adopted each of the above identities. My working hours morphed into every hour I was awake. This wasn’t sustainable, and I knew I was the only one who could put boundaries on my time.

Why Working Hours Matter

Historically, those socialized as women were expected by their partners and community to always be working towards the betterment of their households and towards the moral improvement of their children. For many European communities (and Puritanical American white society) this was the result of forced economic dependence on male members of the household and the patriarchal system that limited women’s income producing abilities and their mobility outside of the home.

For Black women, slavery broke apart familial connections and forced women into servitude for others. Black women were inculcated to believe that they had no control over their time. When, where, and how they were to use their waking hours was determined by the plantation and sharecropping systems. Jim Crow perpetuated these beliefs by again limiting the movement of women of color and the types of employment available. Today, we can see elements of this poisonous time concept play out with women of color being the dominant group in caregiving professions (childcare, nursing, elder care) and most likely to be working multiple jobs (long hours, low pay) in order to meet basic needs.

I point out these key generalizations around the use of women’s time because these foundational beliefs have been passed down through generations. The effects and traumas exist in our bodies and in our mindsets. We’ve been conditioned to believe that we should be always available and focused on being productive every single minute of the day.

Naturally, this leads to burnout. It leads to the negative internal self-talk we’re all familiar with. It leads to a bottomless to-do list.

How I Broke the Cycle

I didn’t think I wanted children, yet my husband wanted five. We decided to have 3 children in a 4.5 year time span. We arrived at this decision by talking through our future plans, defining what we wanted individually, then discussing our wants collectively.

I wanted to pursue a Ph.D. I also wanted to be a stay-at-home mother. These seemingly conflict which is how I ended up pursuing both. By the time my children began to enter preschool and elementary, time for myself was non-existent. I routinely dedicated my waking hours to attending to my children’s needs, managing our household, and maintain my sanity. My husband was traveling frequently and working long hours. My working hours were every single minute I was awake, and our division of labor was traditionally divided: I managed the home and kids, he was the breadwinner.

I noticed that I felt guilty + anxious resting during the hours when the children were at school. This made it difficult to rest or focus on my own pleasure. My husband took his downtime and leisure time without guilt or a second thought. It was my responsibility to free myself from those ingrained productivity beliefs and begin to do the same.

I’d have stretches of 2 to 5 hours where I’d be either alone or with one child. I’d focus on household chores and achieving optimal productivity of our shared space. I’d keep our calendar up-to-date. I’d prepare the food and the gear. I’d attend every scheduled meeting and activity. I indulged in “human giving”, because I didn’t know any better or any different. I truly believed that this is what parenting and partnering as an unpaid, working mother required.

Until I decided to implement working hours.

I realized that my children needed my support during specific times of the day: wake up until school drop off and the end of the school day through bedtime. My kids, my partner, and my household didn’t actually need me during the day. I just thought they did.

I realized that my non-working hours were while they were at school. These were the essential hours for me to rest, nourish my body and mind, and restore my energy. They were not hours dedicated to children and family. These were hours dedicated to me, my personal interests, and eventually my business. I had to give myself permission to practice shifting my attention and focus back to this divided day. My day typically looked like:

• non-working hours: 5am-6am

• working in service of kids + household: 6am-9am

• non-working hours: 9am-2pm

• working in service of kids + household: 2pm-9pm

If I chose to spend my daytime, non-working doing chores, it was a conscious choice that had an opportunity cost.

If family members made requests on my time during my non-working hours I explicitly shared: “I’m not working right now. How could you solve this yourself?” Or, I’d redirect them towards a sibling or my husband. Most things aren’t critical and could wait until I was “back to work.”

Since COVID-19 blurred the lines between work and home life, overworking had become the standard in many families. Your attention is often split. You’re multitasking. You’re trying to return to work and work in a hybrid format. You’re always working in some capacity.

Communication between partners has evolved, yet women still execute a majority of caregiving and invisible work. I invite you to consider whether your defined working hours have fallen by the wayside, for whatever reason.

Ask yourself:

• What was I raised to believe about the hours a woman should be working?

• How is are those long-held beliefs serving me or contributing to my exhaustion?

• How could clearly defined working hours give me permission to drop the guilt and restore my energy?

This shift is a process and a practice. Your time is valuable, and you’re no longer being forced to give it away. Plus, you need working hours to sustain your health, the health of your family, and to show up in the multiple roles you inhabit. Awareness of where you are now is always the first, best step.

I help you unweave and untangle these deeply held belief patterns so you stop spinning in circles, stop feeling frazzled, and stop feeling routinely drained. When you’re ready, book a consult and let’s continue the conversation.