When our children are tweens, we feel uncomfortable and awkward discussing puberty with them. Society has coined it as “the talk.” We’re unsure of how our kids will receive the information and whether we’ll stumble over our words. We’re afraid that the conversations will end up being a disaster. We delay connecting with them and try to ignore the fact that their bodies and lives are changing. Often times, as parents we make it more about us and our own discomfort than about having a matter-of-fact, educational conversation. Puberty is a life stage all humans go through, and the process of aging is no different. Humans get older; our bodies and minds begin to change and deteriorate. We need to begin to talk with our parents about aging sooner rather than later.

Our Current Approach

The “talk” around aging, like puberty, feels equally awkward. But delaying this conversation does not make it easier. I get it. Life gets busy and we make excuses: we’re raising children, managing our work and home lives, and dealing with all the day to day logistics that occur in midlife.

We check in with our siblings, plan vacations, and work to pay off debt. We tell ourselves that family holidays and get togethers are meant to be lighthearted gatherings and conflict free.

Who really wants to sit down with their parents and tell them they’re getting old? Who really wants to discuss retirement finances, future living arrangements, and downsizing? It’s an upsetting topic for grown children and parents alike.

So, we avoid it. Our minds trick us into believing that waiting until the last minute is best. We pretend that we’ll get around to it eventually. We try not to insult our parents by highlighting their age. We ignore the changes in their mobility and health. We wait for them to bring up the topic with us. They must notice that they’re getting older, right?

This approach may seem easier, but denying the need for and delaying a straightforward talk with our elders only makes the elephant in the room loom larger.

Complicated discussions around finances, living arrangements, end of life wishes, and household contents/memorabilia seem difficult and emotional. However, when an emergency like a fall, a stroke or heart attack, or a car accident sends a parent to the hospital, these topics come to the forefront. It becomes immensely more difficult to think in level headed, practical terms.

It becomes seemingly impossible to talk with siblings and extended family while processing the emotion of the moment. We end up making decisions from feelings of fear, guilt, anxiety, or overwhelm rather than from a place of balance and calm. This approach is a disservice to ourselves and our loved ones.

A More Practical Approach

Getting old is hard. Most of our parents don’t want to acknowledge that life is time limited and that the last few decades of life are a little bit lonely. But it’s also liberating for them to reach an era of life where they can be honest and open with others.

This is where the younger generation’s window of opportunity lies: to keep our parents at the center of the conversation and encourage their agency and participation.

Remember, the goal is to have them actively determine and outline their wishes so that the remaining time spent together is free from worry. Your role is to respect and support their ideas in the most compassionate way possible.

There will be push back. Humans are excellent at avoiding sad and disagreeable topics. Your parents won’t feel the same sense of urgency and will try to smooth over what they feel is “something we can talk about later.”

It will take multiple tries to get them to sit down with you. They’ll mention “not wanting to be a burden.”

Explain that the topic is uncomfortable for everyone. Make a decision to start the conversation. Each year the subject is avoided and the effects of aging are ignored increases the pressure for all involved.

Don’t try to tackle every subject at once. Select one at a time — such as living arrangements in their 70s and beyond — and begin to ask open ended questions like:

• Where would they like to live?

• How might their home need to be modified to ensure they can age-in-place successfully?

• How comfortable are they with continuing to handle the home’s upkeep?

Again, they may not want to open up to the idea right away, and that’s okay. They may not have begun to consider the answers (or possible alternatives) yet. You will fumble your way through bringing the topic up the first few times. It will be awkward, and your parents may try to shut the door on these talks.

But aging is inevitable. Needing assistance in some form is inevitable. Tell them “not being a burden” means having these difficult discussions. By knowing how they want the contents of their home distributed, and what they deem essential to their legacy, you will be in a better position to honor them and share in their joy as they get older.

Start talking with your parents about aging now. There’s absolutely no upside to waiting. Creating awareness about their life stage is about holding space for the family’s emotional and physical journey ahead.

It takes time to declutter and downsize. It takes time to talk with a lawyer and establish an estate plan. It takes time to think through whether or not they want to maintain their own home into their 80s and 90s.

There’s no need to make final decisions now. There’s always wiggle room when you begin planning early enough. Normalize the discussion today so there’s more room for joy in the days ahead.

Not quite sure how to begin the conversation around aging?

Download my free conversation starters here.