When I was a child, I remember thinking that 40-year olds were true grownups. They had established careers, a family, and that life was always shifting from happiness to a difficult moment then back again. Forty wasn’t old, per se, it just seemed like a fixed point on a timeline that indicated one had arrived.

As humans, we tend to be very forward focused for the first few decades of life. We outline milestones that we deem significant: becoming a teenage driver, moving away from home, college, relationships, having children, securing that first fulfilling job, etc.

But at some moment in our 30s and 40s, those milestones level off, leaving our midlife to be less forward focused and more about making it through the daily grind.

As I turn 40 this week, I’ve been reflecting on how I’ve actively led a life that is ever-changing and that I’ve rarely been settled in a single, fixed place. I am finding beauty and peace in what I’ve created thus far in my life and with setting clear intentions on how I’d like to experience the next decade.

Past Focus

I grew up in a tiny rural town in West Virginia that didn’t have a single stoplight. At 10 years old, I felt grounded in my family, in the countryside, and in ballet, my all-consuming passion. I wasn’t yet thinking beyond the borders of my town, or of the possibilities outside of WV. I played in the dirt, I climbed trees, I built forts, and I danced as much as possible. As a teenager, I got into a bit of trouble, tried on different personas, and had a good deal of fun. I was far from thinking about my future self and who I would become. 

I moved to Wellesley, MA for college a few weeks after my 18th birthday. By my 20th birthday, I had met my future husband and made the decision to relinquish my college financial aid to live off-campus with him. I was adamant that I wasn’t getting married, nor having kids, but I knew that I wanted a life of adventure with him.

We established an annual tradition of selecting a “word of the year” every New Year to guide our purpose for the upcoming year and set our intentions to keep moving forward. We set goals for ourselves and made sure they aligned with one another’s. We talked about taking turns being the priority in the relationship – a few years focused on his personal growth, and then a few years focused on mine.

After college, we moved to Cape Town, South Africa, bought a house, enrolled in school, and I experienced being “an outsider” for two years. We flew to Kenya and took the train from Nairobi to Mombasa. We drove to Johannesburg and up the Skeleton Coast of Namibia. It was a time of personal growth for me: adjusting to being an international graduate student, working at the National Gallery of Art, and feeling lonely in a sea of acquaintances that never quite became friends. I also opened my heart and mind to the possibility of marriage and children.

Over the next handful of years, we lived in Baltimore, Boston (again), and I lived in Evanston, IL. I was accepted to a Ph.D. program at Northwestern and gave it a shot. I chose the hard path; I packed up our 18-month old daughter, moved across the country with her, set up a new household, and parented solo. I knew that I’d regret not giving my Ph.D. a solid try. My husband spent the last year of his graduate program visiting when possible.

I bore 2 more children in next two years, my heart growing in its capacity with each child. I chose family over my Ph.D. and dove into motherhood. As a result, most of my early 30s were a blur – all about survival. Three little kids against one mama is no joke. 

I found respite in my community of friends, volunteering, and exercise. Internal focus on my personal goals took a dip during my 30s, so much so that it’s taken some time to reframe my mindset towards being future focused.

Setting new, actionable goals has been an uncomfortable but motivating challenge. I recognize starting a business, building it the way that it makes sense for me, and defining my “why” has taken conscious effort.

Forward Focus

I’ve always considered myself an old soul. I value integrity, honesty, grit, determination, hard work, with a generous helping of positivity. These are the principles from which I approach business and life.

Acknowledging dementia in my mother and moving her closer to me took a special blend of all the above qualities. They are also central to how I plan to help women who juggle parenting and caregiving regain their time and focus in midlife.

We are all headed forward, whether propelled by time pushing us or whether actively choosing the path we want to take. At 40, I’m choosing to see the road ahead as open and full of possibility. It is not static. Instead, it’s an opportunity for me to choose each step, each action, each task one at a time.

My kids now have the essential foundation they need to become capable humans. My marriage is a partnership that is forward focused on family-centric goals. My path could take multiple directions over the next decade, and although I can’t predict where they may lead, I will be prepared for all of them. I’m embracing a growth mindset.

The other day, my 50-year old self wrote a letter to my 40-year old self. It was a way of reminding me that turning 40 is only one step of the ladder. I haven’t arrived, I’m just passing through. Now I must outline my own goals, and set my own timeline for accomplishing them. The universe is no longer deciding for me.

This is where my power exists. Now, it’s not about what I’ve done or where I’ve been. It’s about deciding where I want to go and then making it a priority each and every day to get closer to that future self.

No matter your age or what rung on the ladder you’re on, a similar mindset is available to you. The past is over and what remains is simply our thoughts about it: the story that we tell ourselves about it. Parts of the story I tell myself are above. I’m writing the story about my next decade with intention and purpose, because midlife isn’t a bridge to old age, it’s a gorgeous chance to live life to its fullest.

Tell me how you’re focused on the future in the comments below👇🏽👇🏽.