My husband and I met in January of 2000. We moved in together six months later. This was a huge deal. I attended Wellesley, an all-women’s college, and a requirement of my financial aid was that I live on Wellesley College’s campus. By moving off campus, and in with my partner, I was forfeiting my funding. It was a big decision, and it was one that I talked through with my dad. One thing he asked me was, “Do you think it won’t work out?” I paused and considered. My intuition was that our relationship would. Moving in with my partner (now husband) and forfeiting my aid was one of the biggest risks I’d taken. I was 19. Ever since then my husband Benjamin and I have focused on creating a supportive environment for future family adventures.

What is partner coaching anyway?

In her book Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live), Eve Rodsky categorizes the Partner Coach card in “The Magic Suit,” There are five total suits across the 100 cards available. The Magic Suit encompasses tasks that, “when you look back on your life, it’s these magical moments that you’ll remember, and those ones you love will remember about you.” I’ll never forget the conversation with my dad, and the conversation with my partner about the prospects of starting a life together. Life decisions made with your partner are certainly magic.

Partner coaching is a two-way street. Either you or your partner can hold this card at any time. The person who holds the card is providing the coaching to the partner who’s in need of support, advice, feedback, or just plain radical honesty. If you’re holding the card, you’re holding and performing the emotional labor that’s the bedrock of any relationship. Because The Fair Play Method aims for equity in the home, get curious about your relationship dynamics if one person seems to be holding the Partner Coach card more frequently than another, as this is the fast-track to ‘resentment-land.’

Partner coaching is most needed during life transitions.

Because we’ve been living in a long-distance parenting and marriage relationship for the last few years, my husband and I partner coach more frequently than most. Our marriage is healthy and strong because we’re willing to be transparent and vulnerable with one another about the difficulties of not being up close with each of our children. We wouldn’t trade our arrangement back to the standard of living under one roof, as there are so many benefits to our currently lifestyle. You may find yourself coaching your partner on a weekly basis during a particularly challenging moment, but most likely, you’ll be actively holding this card during a life transition.

Life transitions are moments of change by choice or change by circumstance. It’s when you’re getting a promotion, reaching retirement, or being laid off. It’s when you’re welcoming a new child or celebrating a milestone. It’s when you experience loss or a heartbreaking diagnosis. Partner coaching comes into play for small moments, yet it’s even more necessary during the big ones.

Creating a supportive environment starts by curbing the impulse to fix.

For many of us, the impulse is to ‘fix’ something that’s out of the ordinary. You see your partner hurting, swirling in confusing, or holding back instead of shining, and the desire is to jump straight to problem solving for them. Now, I’m not a licensed therapist, nor do I consider myself a relationship expert. Yet, I know coaching, and ‘fixing’ isn’t the best first response when someone’s struggling.

Coaching your partner starts with listening… and suppressing your natural desire to interrupt and interject. Recognize that it’s taken your partner a lot of internal pre-work to get to the place where they feel safe to share their thoughts and feelings. Don’t discount this. Hear them out. Ask open-ended questions. If you’re not in a state of mind to dedicate attention to the topic and to them, speak up and ask to pause the conversation until you’re less distracted.

When you think they might be finished explaining, ask if they’re finished. Be willing to ask them what they need. Say, “How can I help you with this? What’s the next best step?” Know that listening to what’s going on may be enough. They might have just needed to talk through their thinking and you being there - actively present and engaged - was enough for them to better understand what’s going on.

Life is always happening, and your way may not be the ‘right’ way for your partner.

Over the last handful of years, I’ve lost my grandmother, my aunt (both of whom I was extremely close with), and my uncle. My mother was diagnosed with dementia, as well as with another family member. Cancer has resurfaced for a loved one. I share this because life is always happening. Children grow and switch schools. Decisions need to be made. As my business flourishes, my husband and I have to navigate travel plans while still making sure our kids are cared for. Each of us is navigating life with our current maximum capacity, and there’s a kindness that can be offered when you believe that we’re all trying our best.

Coaching your partner is about having open arms and an open heart, even if you disagree with their choices or the next actions they take. It’s easy to forget that you can’t control your partner. You can’t change their emotional experience. You can aim to influence or manipulate them, but ultimately, your role as the partner coach is to allow them to feel their feelings unconditionally. Offer tools, support, and guidance as needed. Creating a supportive environment is validating their experience and holding space for whatever may come next, including joy, success, and another year living life together.

Partner coaching is a skill you can develop with practice.
Curious if The Fair Play Method can help? Book your consultation here.