I was halfway through my first semester of my Ph.D. program at Northwestern in Chicago when my husband took a new job in Detroit. He was finishing his MBA from Harvard, and we were on our first round of long distance parenting and marriage. Detroit was closer to Chicago than Boston, but a choice still needed to be made: continue long distance for another 4 years in order to complete my Ph.D., or relocate and recombine our households in Michigan. I spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted. I knew that coming to a decision that I felt solid about was necessary for me to circumvent sneaky thoughts like, “I wonder what life would’ve been like if…?” I chose to discontinue my Ph.D with a clear conscience. I chose family. I knew my choice benefited us all, and I also knew that embarking on a new job meant that it was time for everyone in the family to step up.

It’s a wild card for a reason.

The New Job card is part of the “Wild Card” suit in the Fair Play deck. This suit is a collection of what Eve calls, “life-changing scenarios that rock your world.” Wild cards are major life transitions or disruptions and may either be planned or completely unexpected. Yet, we all know that planning only goes so far when it comes to a major life transition.

Early in our marriage, and before our first round of long distance parenting and marriage, we’d discussed and decided to trade whose turn it was to step forward in their goals. We’d both stepped forward for graduate school, now it was his turn to focus on building and launching his career. He took the New Job card. I stepped into the role of default parent and house manager. He worked long hours and got several opportunities to travel internationally. I worked long hours keeping our kids alive. He struggled with always being away. I struggled always being home.

No player always holds one card by default.

The cards in the Fair Play deck are meant to be swapped so that no one person gets stuck doing the most dull and repetitive tasks. Even though the Wild cards are meant to one-off, random moments, I think the New Job card is one that can be actively swapped as well.

After being at home with my kiddos for a dozen years, I decided to become an entrepreneur. I took the New Job card knowing that it would be a bumpy road shifting some of the chore load to my husband. Our kids were in the early and middle years of elementary school. They were heavily involved in after-school activities, and me being unavailable at certain times of the day was going to be disruptive.

Transfer ownership one task at a time.

Kids are resilient and adapt quickly, and partnerships do too with clear communication. I started off working the reception desk at my local barre studio before school. On these days, I’d be up and out of the house before the kids woke up. My husband took on the “before school” role a few days a week. I trusted him to adjust his personal routine, get the kids up, dressed, fed, and off to school - all while feeling his feelings about taking ownership of this task.

As the holder of the New Job card, I had to do my own inner work to let go controlling every detail of the morning and seek his assistance without feeling guilty for doing so. (He didn’t feel guilty all those years ago because his knew his work benefited us all.) I practiced not feeling guilty by reminding myself that my work benefited us all too.

It taught my kids that both parents contributed and both parents were reliable. It taught my kids that I wasn’t “always available,” and that they could effectively problem solve if they tried. It taught my husband that he could equally notice what needed to be done before school, and it opened the door to further conversations and further tasks as the months passed.

This card involves more than logistics.

Next, I worked at The Container Store before school, after school, and occasionally during school. I learned to be vulnerable with myself and others. I learned to ask for and receive help. I learned to talk about how much I valued being out of the house. I learned to talk about more than just the kids and the logistics of managing a household. Holding the New Job card gave me a sense of purpose to explore the foundations of A Pleasant Solution.

With each passing week, my work outside of the home became “normal” for our family. Sometimes I was working, sometimes I was available. Sometimes my husband was working, and sometimes (now more often) he was available. He adapted to excusing himself from work to drive the kids or attend appointments. He managed his discomfort while I managed the growing pains of establishing a business and shifting my identity. Neither of us were losing. I was stepping forward in my goals, and he was stepping up at home.

Never easy, always worth it.

I think the key to the New Job card is expecting the turbulence. Wild cards are challenging for all, and equally rewarding. Everyone learns something which builds resilience. Focus on allowing each person to have their own experience and create common ground for airing grievances.

Shifting schedules is inconvenient and often complicated. That doesn’t mean one of you has made the wrong choice. Transferring ownership of tasks, whether temporarily or for a longer stint, takes practice and regular feedback. That doesn’t mean one of you is “doing it wrong.” That’s just the nature of partnership and home management.

Give your household space to find the silver lining each day. Everyone is stepping up, and that’s something for each of you to be proud of and to celebrate.

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