“Do you need a friend? Because I need a friend.” I distinctly remember saying this to another mother I’d chatted with several times. Our kids were in early elementary, they were similar ages + genders. Being direct with others was the strategy I’d found to work best in these situations. I’ve moved over a dozen times, therefore, I’ve gotten a good deal of practice in seeking out women to connect with. In this case, I’d moved from Chicago to Detroit. I was in need of adult interaction after having spent a year solo parenting, attempting a Ph.D., and maintaining a long-distance marriage. This particular friendship has now sustained me for nearly 15 years. Unlike childhood, maintaining friendships as an adult requires increased intention, effort, and prioritization. Motherhood adds another unseen layer.

The Happiness Trio

Adult Friendships is one of three cards in The Fair Play Method’s “Happiness Trio.” These three cards are distributed to both you and your partner at the beginning of the game. The Happiness Trio cards can’t be taken away, however you’re responsible for making and taking the time for yourself. This is often more tricky for women than for men.

Recognize that you could be your own hidden obstacle to maintaining friendships.

Having children, pets, elders, or others to care for are the most easily identifiable obstacles to time alone or time with friends. Women, in particular, are raised to always be available. You’re taught to put others’ needs before your own, respond to crisis in a timely manner, and stuff down your feelings while doing it. Being “selfless” is praised in media, our communities, in religion, and in our homes.

Making and taking time for friendships is something women are supposed to do when the work is done. Yet, that approach is a trap. To-do lists are a bottomless bucket. There’s always more to do, random interruptions, and people vying for your attention. I’ve learned that you have to actively put a stop to work, feel the discomfort of saying “enough for today,” and encourage others to be self-sufficient and solve their own problems in order to have fun.

It’s important to recognize that you (inadvertently) may be an obstacle to time with friends. Be honest with yourself. Notice if you self-sabotage by delaying get-togethers due to poor scheduling, use busy-ness as a badge of honor, or by not clarifying boundaries on your time. You may find yourself blaming the kids’ activities, your partner’s incompetence or lack of dependability, or other outside factors.

Get curious about why this may be and decide whether this default habit truly is in your best interest. Being a martyr doesn’t win you medals or accolades; it just translates to resentment and exhaustion. Practice making the decision to make time for friends no matter what. The more you plan, the more you follow through, the easier it will become.

Do the emotional labor.

The biggest shift occurred for me when I took 100% ownership for my role in prioritizing friendships. I stopped waiting for others and assumed the lead role in planning our get togethers. I text my friends to tell them I’m thinking of them. I call. I leave a message. I try again. I follow up. It’s not that I pester, it’s more that I choose to lead rather than follow. Both parties often have busy lives, so it’s important for one person to lead the communication, request get togethers, and communicate availability.

I also am willing to do the emotional labor when communicating with my partner. My kids are his kids. They’re our kids. If I make plans, he’s on duty to care for them. He’s more than capable, that’s one reason I chose him as my husband. I share what I’m doing when, give plenty of notice, and listen for any conflicts. I don’t jump to solving the conflicts with regards to timing or scheduling, I simply listen and respond if he asks for any adjustments.

Schedule as far in advance as needed.

One way I prioritize friendships is by scheduling get togethers as far out as six to eight weeks when the calendar is lighter. Get creative - have breakfast dates, watch a show together and laugh, take an exercise class together - what you do together is less important than making the time. It’s wonderful to have something to look forward to. Scheduling in advance also means there’s less likelihood for conflicts. My husband has notice. My friends have notice. At that point it’s more about following through (and putting out any small fires that may arise) than anything else.

Classify get togethers as essential for your mental health.

My mother loved her friends and chatted on the phone with them for hours. She was an excellent role model for me in this way. I remember hearing her talking loudly and laughing while grading papers. Her friends were fellow teachers, and they were able to let loose telling stories about their students and parents after the bell rang. This connection is what made the monotony of the job bearable.

Researchers have found that there’s a direct correlation between connection with others and happiness. Family provides one type of connection, work and purpose another. If prioritizing your friendships has been a challenge, practice reframing it as essential for your mental health. Just like walking or cardio keeps you healthy, laughing and telling stories does too. Just like a diet rich in fruits and vegetables keeps you healthy, being in the company of like-minded friends improves your emotional health.

Our relationships nurture us when times are tough. I choose to have the mindset that time dedicated for meaningful conversations is as high of a priority as say, scheduling a dentist appointment. It’s essential self-investment, and I now own that the time for friends won’t be given to me. I have to make it happen and am more than happy to prioritize the work of doing so.

Who will you schedule time to get together with this week? What’s your WHY in doing so?

Join me on Instagram for #fairplayfriday as well!